Acting & AI

What the heck-a-doodle

Seems to be a lot of talk these days about what our industry will look like in 5 or 10 years time

Due to the incredible developments in AI

And I guess that comes with good reason

I now have a virtual friend who I can have pretty in-depth conversations with about how to build the perfect fragrance collection

It’s pretty bananas

And when I listen to people who have stood in empty warehouses in LA

Who are very much behind the scenes in those big production meetings about the future of film & television

Yep

One thing is certain

Change is happening

What that change is going to look like exactly?

No one can say for sure

But with change

Of course

Comes fear for us humans

So I believe that over the next few years

It will be a totally reasonable prediction

That we see an uptick in fear

And that’s okay

In fact

Sounds pretty human if you ask me

Imagine our ancestor Doug

Sitting at a waterhole

He does the same thing most days

Then suddenly

You tell him that his cave might be different tonight

The location for berries is now somewhere other than where he normally goes

The herds of gazelle have moved on

And there is ooga-booga talk of a new pride of lions in the area

Yep

That is a lot of change

A lot for his body to have to deal with

In order to try survive another day

Damn sure he would be feeling afraid

But

Guess what happens when Homo sapiens are forced into a new situation?

They adapt

That is one thing we have done damn well since the beginning of our time on this planet

So how do we adapt to the changes that AI will bring?

Firstly

We want to embrace change without losing our humanity

It would be very easy to put all of your focus back onto what you think will please the industry

Please the algorithms

Give bland work that you think will make everyone else happy

No no no

Let’s get clear

Let’s start again

For the vast majority of the homo sapien experience

The meaning of life has been to simply survive

Why?

Because it has been so bloody difficult

A human being out in the wild is a bloody fragile creature

So what helped us go from the middle of the food chain to the top?

Connection

Humans connecting allowed for protection, support and more resources

And therefor a higher likelihood of being able to watch the next sunrise

Now

The important part

(This is where we as actors come in)

What helped us connect?

Stories

Meaningful stories

Something that has not been lost over our time as Homo sapiens

Is our ability to share meaningful stories

Which help the tribe connect

And therefore survive another day

Now

How have we told meaningful stories?

Dancing, singing, painting, movement

Writing, spoken word, acting, poetry

Filming, editing, animation

And damn sure

No matter how much I might poo-poo social media

I have watched Tiktoks, instagram clips or YouTube shorts

Which have flooded me with hope about life in just a mere 5-10 seconds

My point?

The HOW keeps changing

The WHY never has

Who the hell knows how we will be sharing meaningful stories in 10 years time

But damn sure

We will be sharing them

We will be having some level of influence over stories shared in society

We will contributing toward meaningful stories

Which will help the tribe connect

And therefore help the species survive another day

Our next challenge…

How do we do this in a sustainable way?

How do we make progress

Work toward meaningful goals in a way that continues to feeds us?

Its a very important question to address

For an actor to place all of their focus onto trying to please the industry

To shift all of their thinking toward what will please the algorithm

Man

That sounds exhausting

I do a lot of guiding of artists & performers

Both professionals

As well as students at drama schools

And the second I see them shifting their goals toward what they think will please the industry

I see the joy evaporate

I see the exhaustion creep in

And I see their sustainability as artists plummet.

I was fortunate enough to grow up in Southern Africa

Where the lion trackers had an expression

“I have no idea where I’m going

But I know how I’m going to get there”

I lion tracker can’t spend their time walking toward where they think the result might be

They have to follow the tracks

One track at a time

And in our case

As artsits

How do we find these tracks?

Simple

We go back to listening to our bodies

What makes your body feel alive?

What is the work that inspires you most?

What is the art that makes you feel like life is worth living?

When we give up on working toward the goals we think we should

In order to please the industry

And instead

Focus on following the work that makes our bodies feel most alive

That’s when flow creeps back in

That’s when the work becomes fun again

That is when I start to see artists playing again

Focussing on enjoyable processes rather than results

And that is when they become bloody dangers

That is when I see them starting to provide bloody generous work to the industry

And that’s the work the industry not only wants

But needs

There are endless amounts of sheep trying to give work that will please

But the work that is truly valued

Is the work that comes deep from someones humanity

And the way to find that

Is by letting the body lead again

To let it guide us

As it has done so well, for so long

Okay

My daughter is waking up from her nap

Let’s wrap this up

The industry will always be changing

Sometimes faster

Sometimes slower

But change is inevitable

And with change comes fear

Remember

It’s normal and totally okay to feel afraid on reaction to change

But you do have a choice

A choice to bring your focus back onto what matters

Contributing human work to meaningful stories

And how do you do that?

By doing the most human of all

Giving your body permission to lead

Letting it move in the direction of what makes you feel most alive

Hope this helps

X

Honestly Approaching Agents

I have spent the last few weeks with the third year graduates at NIDA

And of course

The questions around agents are starting to bubble up as the drama school journey comes to an end

Fears around not finding a match and being left alone on a branch whilst everyone else flies off into their careers with their agents by there side

What if

What if

What if

Now

Questions around agents are something I get in my inbox at least every week

I’m actually putting together an online course atm specifically on that one area of the industry

How to find, change & maintain sustainable relationships with agents

But for today

I just want to discuss getting on the front foot

STEP ONE

Get curious about the kind of art that makes your body feel alive

Then scribble down the people who are making that art

I don’t like to treat Australia as a stepping stone

And really, there is no need to as this country produces so many incredible artists

So gather a handful of Aussies who really inspire you

Write down as many as you can

I’m more curious about who is on that list after the obvious choices have been made

Who is the 4th, 7th, 13th, 23rd artist you’re writing down?

STEP TWO

Look at who represents those artists

Come up with a list of agencies that take care of those people who inspire you most

STEP THREE

Dive into those agencies’ books

Look for the patterns

Who do they tend to rep?

How do they tend to rep?

How long have they taken care of these artists?

How sustainable has the work been for their clients?

STEP FOUR

Come up with a list

Three to five agencies that make your body feel at home

STEP FIVE

Find their email address (not their receptions email address)

Hundreds of actors send through emails every week to generic office email addresses

They will most likely be given a copy-and-paste response by an assistant who won’t read them

So finding the agents’ specific email address is essential

What’s the problem here?

Well… they can be damn hard to get a hold of

You either need a trusted and respected mutual contact

Subscriptions to the top industry databases

Or simply the willingness to do some deep research

Some actors might say: “That’s too hard”

Well

If an actor is going to give up on building arguably one of the most important professional relationships of their career because its “too hard to find an email address”…

Yeah

I don’t think I need to write out the obvious.

STEP SIX

Referral from an actor on their books

We are Homo sapiens

Connection is an essential part of our survival

It is deeply embedded in our biology

So if someone I love and respect says to me

“Hey Sheasby, I think it’s really worth having a cup of tea with Jess about xyz, I think you guys will gel well”

That cuts out a lot of wondering about that persons character & work ethic on my end

Makes sense

Therefore

Digging through the agencies books

To find a trusted colleague & asking for a referral

Can do wonders for dispelling any doubt on the agents end

And drastically increase the chances as to whether your email will actually be read any further than the opening few lines

STEP SEVEN

Genuine letter

A great agent once said to me

“When I open up the email and see a four page essay

I just think…

Oh, fuck off”

Yup

Agents are busy bees

And as all humans

They want to invest their time and energy

Into things which will create an energising return on their inputs on this earth

Four pages simply to ask to have a chat in person?

No thanks

Do the work

Writing an honest but clear & sincere paragraph

Tells the agent you have actually done the work

You’ve thought about this approach

Remember

A glass of water can be bloody delicious

Simplicity demonstrates consideration and respect

STEP EIGHT

Link to your showreel

Let them see your best work in under 3 minutes

“Let me see your best work in under three minutes”

In this day and age - There is no excuse for not having solid footage of yourself

STEP NINE

Link to your IMDB (or equivalent site)

Social proof

Makes sense

If you’re a fresh graduate with no credits - then state that!

If you’ve demonstrated you can show up every day at drama school for three years

That discipline

As well as the drama schools’ selection process

Will hopefully give a solid idea of your potential

STEP TEN

Highlight credits only

List those few highlight jobs only

Highlight awards

Highlight training

and

Share what’s about to come

What are you currently working on or what’s going to be released in the coming months

Why?

It demonstrates momentum

The proof that you are still pushing that stone

The proof that you are continuing to release generous work out into the world

That you’re not sitting at home

Surrounded by cobwebs

Waiting for others to do the work for you

Even if you don’t have work right now or coming up anytime soon

No one is stopping you from being in class

Or meeting casting directors at their workshops

The days of relying on the agent to get you passed the gatekeepers are dead

STEP ELEVEN

Put that email all together

Then send it to a trusted colleague, mentor or coach to get a gauge on it

Is it messy? Rambly? Entitled? Apologetic? Clear? Honest?

Ask someone you trust to help you zoom out

To help you read it from the agents’ perspective.

STEP TWELVE

After several days

If you haven’t heard back

Give the office (or agent themselves) a call to check in.

STEP THIRTEEN

Keep going until you find a match

Easier said than done

Last month

A brilliant artist in this country found their match

A wonderful match

After getting rejected eleven times

That’s a bloody vulnerable thing to do

To keep going despite the hurt

That’s what artists are great at.

Continuing to move forward

Kind & slow

Hope this helps

X

Your Best & Worst Work

There are a few things really worth taking responsibility for as an actor

Worth creating discipline around

Which will result in a glorious freedom.

Taking care of your health

Will give you freedom as an artist.

Taking care of your wealth

Will give you enormous freedom as an artist

Freedom to say no

Freedom to work on things which energise rather than those that clash with your values

Freedom to work with people you like working with.

Taking care of your tribe will give you freedom

It means you can get on with the job

Knowing you have safety with your colleagues, family and friends

And not having to spend time on set desperately trying to get people to like you.

Taking care of your practice and craft

Let’s make this clear

It’s your average work that will define your career

Not your highlights

How you rock up on the average day

On the average job

Doing that average scene

This is what will result in a sustainable career

So raise your average

This will give extraordinary freedom

To know you can rock up

Day after day

And give the work you want to

Regardless of the situation

Cause lets face it

The situation is almost always chaos

I asked a friend and colleague of mine a while back

(Someone who has had a solid two decades of working consistently in screen & theatre)

How many jobs he has worked on

Where everything came together

Where the script, people, pay, location, logistics etc

All came together for a truly special experience

Two

He has had two jobs in two decades

Which holistically ticked all the boxes

Where it felt like the gods said yes to all the prayers

And for myself?

I have had three.

You get my point

An incredible director from the RSC once told me

Michael…

The acting gods don’t descend very often

Rely on your your craft to raise your average

This will build your confidence in showing up

Day in

Day out

So

Remove pressure to give some wildly extraordinary performance

And accept the fool by give up on hiding your worst work

And instead of

Focus on your average

Focus on slowly And kindly raising your average

Curious what this looks like for you

X

Acting In Nepal

Last Christmas was a doozie

Our family holiday was cancelled the morning of

When my partner and I were both keeled over at 2 am

With the same food poisoning symptoms

(Possibly due to a fish I caught for dinner)

Whilst fighting over our one bathroom

Resorting to one of us (I won’t say who) having to dash outside

Much to say

We never really got that holiday break we were so hoping for after a solid year of work and parenting

So I was over the moon when my partner surprised me with a solo night away in a hotel

Thirty hours of me time

Which these days is incredibly rare.

As soon as I arrived

I sent my last texts and slipped my phone into a drawer

Not to be touched for the duration of my stay

Time to walk

Time to follow some curiosity

After a few hours of snorkelling with blue groupers, manta rays and a big old green turtle

I wandered into a second hand book shop

I was hoping to find a book on a famous ship wreck in the 1800’s

Instead

My eyes gravitated toward a cheap blue coloured paperback

Huh

It was on the topic of a mountaineering disaster

I picked it up

Flipped some pages

Read a line

Yes

Hell yes

I paid the $12

Found the nearest quiet cafe

Sat down in my still-salty swimmers

Popped my headphones on

And started on the first page.

Two hours later

I had read more pages of one book

Than I had in the last 12 months

For whatever reason

This particular adventure just gripped me

Maybe it was the authors voice

Maybe it was the culture of climbing

Maybe it was the particular mountain itself

But it kicked up something in me

And two weeks later

I was onto my third book on the same topic

Okay

Clear obsession

I was shooting a Disney+ series at the time

And had plenty of hours in the trailer to lose myself in the pages

What it must have been like to climb those peaks which hover above the notorious “death zone”

There are 14 mountains on this earth above 8000 metres

People dedicate years

If not decades to climbing Everest, K2, and the other “eight thousanders”

They have done this for the last 100 years

A recent phenomenon in terms of our scope on this earth

One of the privileges that has come with our modern day cushiness

Not having to be concerned about being eaten by a bear

Anywho

For whatever reason

I was loving the topic

So of course

Six weeks after first wandering into that book store

I felt a deep sense of alignment

When an audition came through

For a film

On a very famous climbing expedition

Of one of those famous eight thousanders

Set in the 50’s in Nepal.

These days

I usually give myself a week to prep for an audition

I take my time

Procrastinate

The usual

This one?

Nope

Printed off the sides

Stuck them up in my trailer

And in-between scenes on set

I asked a fellow actor to come play with me

In 15 minutes it was done

Funny how easy things become when desire overrides obstacles

And a week later

After much debating back and forth re schedule clashes

I got word that I would be flying to Nepal.

Oddly

This is the second time

Where I have been reading a particular book

And a job has come along

Which is linked to that exact book

I’ll thank some lucky stars up there.

If anything

It’s been a wonderful and necessary reminder for me

That I have no idea where I am going

But I somewhat know how I’m going to get there

By trying my best (often failing) to follow my curiosity

Trusting it will nudge me in the direction I’m supposed to be going in

Even if it means going in the opposite direction to the one I think I should be going in.

Alrighty

The following is a diary entry

For one week of filming

In Nepal

…

It’s 2 am

Kenzie Baby is crying

My partner has got a week of solo parenting on top of work

So obviously it’s my turn

I spend an hour trying to get Mackenzie back to sleep

Every time I try sneak out of her room

She demands “MORE TWINKLE”

Which means more of me singing twinkle twinkle little star

I climb back into bed at 3am

I have to get back up in one hour to leave for the airport

I don’t sleep

A car picks me up

The driver insists on lifting my heavy bag

We lift it together

I feel embarrassed

I’m only going for 6 nights

I don’t know why I packed so much

The driver is now very quiet

I feel strange

The car is fancy

Worth more than everything my family has monetarily

I feel poor

Like I’m pretending to be wealthy and important

I sip an expensive bottled water

My feet are lit up by moody neon lighting

I go through the express line at the airport

And find myself sitting in my business class seat

Pretending like if someone hadn’t paid for my flight I would still be sitting here

I’ve already done three things which have made the flight crew giggle at me

I fold out my bed and hide

Stretching my smelly feet out all the way on a plane feels glorious

The first leg of the journey is smooth

I arrive at Hong Kong

A reminder…

Never travel with knife shaped objects

I have to convince the security - who don’t speak English - that its a blunt titanium bottle opener

I have no idea why its in my bag

Maybe Kenzie has put it in there

She’s got a habit of hiding strange objects in strange places in the house

I press it against my skin in a desperate attempt to prove that its blunt

They cautiously let me move through

I try make myself look smaller

I think I have plenty of time to rest

So I go to the business lounge and grab an orange juice

I’m exhausted

I’ve slept 90 minutes in 21 hours

Moving into delusional territory

I have a quick shower

Making sure not to confuse the bidet with the shower head

Like that time at Singapore airport on the way to Venice Film Festival

I sweat from awkwardness thinking about that memory

I suddenly realise I’m extremely late

I begin running

I almost miss my flight to Kathmandu

When airport staff say “RUN RUN RUN” you know its not looking good

I’m the last one to board and say “sorry” multiple times as a walk on

It’s 11pm in Hong Kong

The flight is 5 hours

And going west (backwards)

There is no way I will sleep

They keep giving me food and I don’t know how to politely decline

Something flashes outside my window to the right

I now understand why storms inspired stories of gods

The dark horizon has orange squiggles of lightning filling it every second

Like Zeus is zapping flies with his fingers

We fly over Kathmandu

There are more storms to the right

More white than orange this time

The clouds seem far more powerful, aggressive

Of course they are

This is the land of the gods

This city is elevated higher than where I go when I adventure in the mountains back in Australia

People from all over the world have flocked here to climb

Many have never left

I’m being flown here to honour that story and legacy

The story of those who dared to climb the Himalayas

The legacy of those who were first to do it

Yet here I am, being flown business class, staying in the Hilton. La-dee-fuckin-da

Not exactly how the climbers struggled back in the 1930’s

The wild actor within yearns to rip the chains off

Prep for 3 months climbing 6000m peaks in order to get my body acclimated

Getting a taste of the reality

So I can honour those whom I pretend to be

I feel a bit pathetic knowing that in my prep this coming week

I most likely won’t even have the time to climb a quarter of the way

The flight begins it’s decent

It’s the middle of the night in Nepal

The mountains are dotted with house lights, but no street lights

I see the houses up close just before we touch down

Where the hell am I?

I didn’t do any research on Kathmandu before arriving

So it’s all a bit of a shock

A shock that I wanted

I walk into the terminal

Okie dokes

Genuinely doesn’t look like anything has been upgraded since the 60’s

Apart from some strung up dusty security cameras

I have gone back in time.

I’m in heaven

Day one

11am

Hardly slept

I open my curtains

Where the hell am I?

Come on Mike

Get out there

“Little steps”

I tell myself

I exit the hotel

And am greeted with rickshaws

Screaming traffic police

Barefoot children

Starving dogs

And more power lines on one telephone pole than the imagination can muster

I wait at the traffic light

It turns red

I get ready to stride

Everyone just keeps riding through

I take 13 minutes

13 minutes

To cross the road

I notice something

I’m strangely anxious

Something feels different

My daughter comes to mind

I turn around and go back to the hotel

This time I cross the road in under 3 minutes.

I’m a bit shaky

I feel embarrassed

I’ve always prided myself on my adventuring

Nature I can do

Trying to cross a road like it’s the Wild West?

Maybe not my cup of tea

That night the cast are meeting up for dinner

They’ve already been here a week

So they understand the ways of the city

“Oh no, you don’t wait for traffic, Mike

You flow into it & with it”

I tuck my arms tightly by my sides and pray as we slide in with the screaming cars and motorcycles

The technique works surprisingly well

Magically everything dodges each other

It starts raining

We hide ourselves under an awning

The monsoon season has started early this year

I wonder if that will impact filming?

We sit down for dinner

“Not spicy” I am told by the kind Nepalese woman

It is more spicy than anything I have ever tried

My eyes flood with tears

I spend 5 minutes drinking a beer to try quell the heat in my mouth

I have worked with 6 out of the 7 actors sitting at the table

The 7th - I know their partner well

This industry is so bloody small

Surprisingly

Most of the cast have young children now

I feel comforted by this

It’s possible to act and parent

A lovely moment of breaking old stories in my mind

Day two

I walk through the streets of Kathmandu

I feel the cobbled stones beneath my feet

I smell the roadside butchers

I have four conversations with randoms

Every one of them starts with “you like Mara Juana?”

It begins to rain again

I hop into a rickshaw for the first time

I tell the rider I have a child waiting for me at home

He laughs

I laugh

Hiding my seriousness

I need to return to Australia with a body that can handle parenting

Squats, shoulder presses, lifts, knees, elbows

All essential

The driver begins to peddle

We start off on our 4km journey home

I realise quickly that I can walk much faster than we are travelling

We ride about 150 metres before he tells me the rickshaw can no longer go further due to the main road ahead

I wonder why he didn’t explain that to me before he agreed to the location

I pay him the full price

And step back into the rain

We say goodbye

He offers me weed once more

My phone is about to die

I have a long walk in the rain

Never did I think I’d be walking the streets of Kathmandu for work

This job is magical

I ask Ed out for dinner

He is the historian on the film

I want to know everything about the man I dare to be playing

I quickly become way more fascinated by him than getting historically accurate information

A life time of being a journalist and travelling war zones

Has made him one of the most fascinating people I have ever met

I watch him well up when thinking about the moments he missed with his daughter due to work

I don’t know why but that makes me well up too

We cheers

After dinner

We walk past a guy on the street holding an AK47

Ed doesn’t flinch so I pretend like I see that every day

I put on a “No big deal” expression on my face

Day Three

I wake in the morning to find out India and Pakistan had conflict last night

Maybe the late night AK holder was in relation to that?

People are worrying about flights being cancelled out of Nepal due to the conflict

I decide not to tell my partner about the news and hope things will quell before my flight home

I continue to walk the streets

I see a monkey

A freaking monkey just hanging out on the road

I miss monkeys so much

They were a strong part of my upbringing in Africa

I miss chasing them with my Jack Russell puppy

They would simply climb a tree and laugh at me

Sometimes urinating on my confused dog

I head to set for a costume fitting

I have never seen so many people hanging out at base camp before

Fifty five caterers

Fifty five

I find a random tree house at lunch time

A Nepalese gentleman comes to join me as it has a beautiful view

I quickly realise who I’m sitting with

My jaw drops

I pretend to be calm

The extraordinary feats this Sherpa has achieved

He’s here to help with the accuracy of the film

He’s the authority on climbing Everest

My god

I seize the opportunity

I ask him

What are the biggest factors which influence summiting an 8000er?

He smiley peacefully

One

Listen to your body

Health is everything and you cannot afford to push yourself

Two

Weather

In other words

Chaos is simply part of the climb

You have to simply focus on what you can control

And keep adjusting around the things you can’t

And three?

Luck

He says you need all three

I take an easy breath thinking how this relates to the journey of an acting career

Without the deadly consequences of a slip up

Day four

I have my meetings in preparation for the shoot

Costume

Accent

History

With the lack of time I am being ruthless with 80/20

What are the most impotent things for me to focus on

That will help me most with giving work that will serve the scenes

As always

I’m an idiot

And on my best days

I’m a curious idiot

But as time moves on

I’m enjoying finding myself treat my colleagues

More like colleagues

Might sound silly

But I grew up in an environment whereby if someone was even just one year older than you

It meant they had status and I wasn’t allowed to refuse them or talk back

So as an immigrant to this country its been a challenge for me in the past

When working with anyone who is older than me (which of course is almost everyone when you’re a fresh graduate)

It’s a nice change

Just feels like its a bit easier to get on with the work these days

Rather than letting fear of speaking up get in the way

Day five

I walk onto set

My scene involves an actress who has been leading a well known TV series for the last eleven years

Immediately I am reminded how kind pros are to themselves

I doubt her kindness toward herself and everyone around her on set

Came after the money and fame

I am reminded of the poster in my old agents office

“Work hard and be nice to people”

On the couch next to me is Ed

They snuck him in for a cameo

We move into the process of rehearsals so the crew can see what they will need to shoot

My body begins its normal process of wanting to vomit

Or run away

Which ever gets me out of the situation faster

Ed whispers in my ear in his exquisitely RP accent

“I’m bloody terrified”

This makes me giggle

I begin to ask him to share some funny stories about historic cock-ups in famous expeditions

Of which I know he will have many

We begin rehearsals

Each take of the scene starts with him whispering funny things into my ear

He realises how easy it is to make me laugh

The whole experience reminds me how much easier it becomes when two things occur

One

Being honest and open about where one is at

And two

Putting ones attention on something, or someone else

The scene takes about 6 hours to film

For privacy reasons I won’t go into too much other detail until the film comes out

Day six

My last day in Kathmandu before flying home

I’m desperate to climb a mountain

I organise a guide

I meet Bikram in the hotel lobby

He was described to me as

“A golem looking creature with a wicked sense of humour”

It’s accurate

We hop in a cab

He makes jokes about Australians right off the bat

We stop for tea

Apparently we have to do this several times during the day

Sure seems like a lot of tea

We keep driving toward the mountains whilst listening to pop music on the radio

Bikram is suddenly half way through a story

About having to pay $10k rupee ($90AUD) to soldiers during the previous cicvil war

Instead of being shot by them

It’s in stark contrast to the song playing on the radio:

It Wasn’t Me - Shaggy

Bikram is worried about the conflict between India & Pakistan

No tourists equals no money for the country

That’s when rice becomes unaffordable

The breaks slam on as the driver narrowly misses hitting a feral dog in the road

We pull over at a check point just as we enter the mountains

Bikram gets out to speak to / bribe the guards in the outpost

I look to my right and see snow capped peaks

I jump out with glee

I pull my phone out and take a photo

Two guards approach me

They both hold M16 assault rifles

“No photos”

They say

I nod and smile showing them I agree

They see the binoculars around my neck and seem intrigued

I take them off my neck and offer them over

One of them takes them suspiciously

He looks out toward the mountains and raises the glass up to his eyes

His face lights up

Like he’s seeing magic

I laugh and nod my head enthusiastically

I pretend not to be nervous about their guns

The binoculars are handed back to me

I get back in the car

I can’t pretend that I’m not somewhat relieved

We get back out and start walking

We trek for a while

I see one peak that looks beautiful

I pull my binos out

“Beautiful mountain”

I say

Both Bikram and the cab driver

(who has decided he will join us for the day)

Burst out laughing

I learn quickly that in Nepal

“Mountains start at 6000 metres”

So I’m effectively looking at their version of a mole hill

Bikram takes us to a cliff

I peer into a valley

“Fucking fog”

He mutters

He organises us some tea from the locals

We pick some berries from the bushes around us

Like mulberries, but orange

I don’t really know what we are doing here

But am content with my berries

The fog begins to lift as the day gets warmer

Bikram lifts his arm and points in a direction

“There”

He says

I look into the distance

I see it

One of the fourteen peaks

I’m looking at an eight thousander

I spend 5 minutes staring at her in silence

She’s beautiful

I turn to Birkram

“Thank you”

I say

“I’m happy”

…

Hope this helps

X

When To Dump Your Agent

The following questionnaire

Is designed to help those who might be wanting a better agent:

Question One

Is my work good enough?

If NO

Then begin up-skilling

A class, a coach, a goal, some readers, some material

Make meaningful progress in the beautiful journey of getting better

Listen to your body in terms of which style of acting you feel most inspired to pursue

Then find the people and environments which are going to best help you make progress in that arena

If you believe your work is good enough?

Move on to question two

Question Two

Do you have an energising self tape process?

If a tape was to come through tomorrow

Would you be able to enjoy the effort required to give great work?

If NO

Begin building it

Make it addictive

Have your list of studios or readers ready to go (environments and people your body enjoys being around)

And clarify what you need to do in order to do it well

Remember: do less, better

For example

1. Reply to email clarifying if you’ll do it or not

2. Book the time, place and reader

3. Ask yourself - what does this one need?

4. Learn lines

5. Clarify 3 technical questions

6. Morning of - Do something physical to get out of your head and into your body.

7. Play

Etc etc

If you do have an energising self tape process?

Move on to question three

Question Three

Do you have healthy relationships with casting directors?

Tens of thousands of actors

Two to three hundred agents

Eighty casting directors

But only about TEN casting agencies cast 95%+ of professional screen work in Australia

“Yes, but my agent can’t get me in those rooms - that’s why I want to dump them!”

Well

Seven out of those ten casting agencies offer workshops

In those workshops

You can begin building a healthy relationship

And then

You can ask them

The casting directors themselves

“Hey… just curious about your thoughts on my agent”

You will know within ten seconds if you need to find a new one.

Yes

It’s a long process

But if you are giving great work

If you have a self tape process which allows for flow rather than resistance

And if you have healthy relationships with some the top ten casting agencies

It will matter very, very little

Who your agent is

Hope this helps

X

Curating A Brand

Please do something for me

Write down on a price of paper

The image you’re trying to curate

How you want people in the industry to see you

Then

Go burn that thing.

The image you’re trying to control in people’s minds

The reputation of yourself you’re trying to curate

Is killing your career

And

It’s blocking the real work from happening.

As a younger artist

Recently graduated from drama school

And entering into the biz

I had a very clear idea about the perfect career I was hoping for

I fantasied over having a clean resume

With an artistic film every year or two over the decades ahead

“It will look like this…”

He says as if he’s in a Disney movie

I dreamed a dream of respectable colleagues

Working shoulder to shoulder with the greats

Writers writing parts for me

Even magazines knocking down my door to try get an interview LOL

I thought about how the industry will think of me

Or more accurately

How they would see me:

As a dedicated artist

Someone who takes the work seriously

Who gives everything

Who crushes life

Then

Many years later

I woke up

Walked into the kitchen

And found my two year old trying to grab her poop from her nappy so she could throw it at the fridge

(A smelly wrestling match ensued)

But it got me thinking

About how much time I used to spend

Trying to control how the industry saw me

Let’s get something clear

Trying to control my reputation:

Peoples’ opinions of me

Their thoughts about me

The way they see me

Is incredibly draining

And more importantly

Out of my control (and therefore impossible)

An actor’s reputation is decided by others

And not by the actor.

When looking back at the last 15 years

I can see how countless moments of presence, joy and freedom

Were killed by me

Because I was too busy focussing on the image of how I was working

Rather than the work itself.

Curating an image is killing your career

So please

Burn it

Instead

Let your curiosity lead

And your reputation will build itself

Hope this helps

X

Screw Your Agent

Hello

I’m back from filming in Nepal

Without a doubt one of the most extraordinary and bizarre acting experiences I have had

Which I am dying to share - and certainly will be - over the coming weeks

However…

Once in a while

A topic arrises which I believe to be bordering on taboo

Like it’s not okay to be spoken out loud

Something where I feel the urge to say

“hush hush”

Followed by squinted eye balls shifting from side to side

I’ll let the following email conversation handle it:

—————————

Mike!

I loved reading this latest article on hope!

You always appear in the mailbox at the right time

I've been thinking about this “faith” and “process of grieving” a lot lately as well

And I wanted to share with you…

My grieving has not been so much for missed jobs

But for auditions

GOD I MISS AUDITIONS

I took classes for the last four months just so I could act

So I could show casting directors my work

In hopes that they would send an audition my way

And they did

And it was the most rewarding week of acting I've had in a long while

Three auditions in one weekend?

For actual films and tv shows?

What a score. 

I DIDN’T EVEN BOOK THEM and it was dope to see how little that mattered

The mere EFFORT of them was revitalising

But it's that story in my head, how can we call ourselves artists, actors, when the work isn't there?

So that grieving, when it comes, with all it's bitterness, goes a little like: 

"GOD Auditions are so few and far between. At least I can go paint and get out of my body. Maybe I'll sell one." 

"What a terrible paintng! At least that acting class last week was really rewarding. That was good work.” 

"Dang terrible paintings, no auditions, I'm going to write for three hours. Maybe it'll be a good poem, or a script I can act in." 

"Hmmm, that was an average script I just wrote. So lucky I get to do a voice over this week."

"Oh! That voice over paid me a little extra cash. I can afford more acting classes." 

"That audition from that casting director was so satisfying to do." 

"That painting was actually half decent."

"This script is nearly done."

"Yay another voice over job".

(Back to top)

And then

Almost as if by accident

We see we are

And always have been

Artists, actors, painters, writers, whatever

Regardless of auditions, good or bad paintings, booked jobs, stockpiled scripts

And so the cycle of joy and pain continues

And that is both our blessing and curse as artists!!

How lucky!

How awful!

How beautiful!

How ever lasting! 

Mystery x

(Name changed for privacy sake)

—————————

Mystery

Insanely beautiful email

“We are, and always have been, artists”

Ugh

Be still my heart.

Now

Before I say anything further

Can I please confirm…

When you said

“I took classes for the last four months just so I could act”

Were these classes, courses, workshops specifically with casting directors?

—————————

Mike

Yes

I did a five week course of Wednesday night classes with a casting director

Then went straight into a weekend intensive with another casting director

Who then reached out via messenger to express their interest in my work

And sent auditions through

They told me they put me forward as their first pick for job in particular

and that was enough to feel deep satisfaction with the work I did

Mystery x

—————————

Bingo

Alright Mystery

This is the dilemma…

Tens of thousands of actors In this country

Repped by 200-300 official agents

And only approximately 80 official casting directors

And out of those 80 casting directors

Only about 10-12 of them cast the vast majority (likely above 95%) of professional film & TV in Australia.

That’s ten human beings

TEN

Who are handling 95% plus of casting for Australia’s best screen work

Mmm

Curious

Lets break it down

Casting directors get the briefs from producers

They then send their briefs to the agents

Agents look through their books and see who matches the brief

Then they make their suggestions to the casting directors

And the casting directors decide who will get an audition

And who won’t.

(Or, sometimes the casting directors just go straight to the agents to ask for the few specific actors they already feel will be a good fit for the job)

That’s a tiny handul of people in this country who decide the opportunities for literally thousands

This is an important reality to contend with.

What you’ve done

Dear Mystery

Is remove the middle man

You’ve gone straight to the source

Put yourself back into a place of choice as an artist

And you’ve already gotten feedback which has told you it’s working for you

Bravo to you!

I remember a conversation I had about 16 years ago

With the wonderful extraordinary Karen who lectured at my drama school.

A powerhouse a human

She was witnessing my year group implode at the end of third year (as they usually tend to do)

When all the focus turned from the craft of acting

Onto getting an agent

She said to me privately one day

“Ya know mike…

Why all the fuss about agents?

It’s casting directors who have the biggest influence.

I’m just not sure why the school keeps placing so much attention on fostering relationships with agents

But hardly any on building relationships with casting directors”

Bingo

An agent can only take us so far

And of course, agents and casting directors are humans too

You think every agent is going to get on well with every casting director?

Point being

As actors

We have to know those 10 casting directors

Or more accurately

Give them the opportunity to know us

To know our work

To see us in our full & glorious mess as human artists

Simple

Unless a writer, director or producer is specifically asking to see us for a particular role

It’s up to the casting director to decide if you will get a shot or not

And If the casting director doesn’t have the time or willingness to see you

(Because they are too busy casting people they do know)

No amount of hounding your agent to get you to be seen by a casting director is likely to work

It might once or twice - But not sustainably!

So the question becomes

How can you make it easy for them to know you?

Like dating

How can you make it easy to find your match with casting directors?

Now

There are certain ways to find your match with casting directors

Of which I won’t go into here as I want to get to my point and am squeezed for time

Casting workshops

Yes, it might bring up some conflicting emotions for some artists

But it’s a reality that I believe is worth leaning into.

Remember the saying

“90% of directing is casting” ?

For the most part

Casting directors are artists too

They have a bloody important job

And they are doing high stakes work whilst - Just like us actors - They are sitting in an uncertain industry

With uncertain pay

And inconsistent work

Yet they keep going

There has to be some level of love and passion there

And love and passion is certainly what I have experienced the majority of the time

Their workshops and classes hopefully will be good enough to do several things

Experience them as humans (not gods or gatekeepers)

Spend time letting your body learn its okay to be human in front of them

Learn skills for casting / auditioning to help you when an opportunity does arise

Plus

You get to do the thing which is hard to do otherwise

Create a human connection.

Mystery

You did classes and workshops with two of them…

Then got 3 legit auditions

Can’t argue with those facts

The point I’m trying to make

For any actor

Stop hounding your agent to get you in the door

Almost never gonna happen

Especially not sustainably

But there are ways to put yourself back in a place of choice

Curious

Let your art find it’s way

Ask yourself

How can I build a healthy and sustainable relationships with casting directors?

And remember

Permission to do it your way

Hope this helps

X

Handling Terrible Writing

Actors

Roughly speaking

Are the only people

Who want to show emotion

And yet

Our job

Is to play people

And people

(Other than actors)

Don’t want to show emotion

People

Do their best

To hide what they are feeling

And instead

Try to solve things logically

So

Please

Ruthlessly

Focus on logic.

If you do your prep

And are clear about the characters’ relationships to others in the scene

Then just focus on logic

And let emotion take care of itself

“BUT WHAT IF I JUST FOCUS ON LOGIC AND IT’S BORING?”

Great question

Let’s explore

Yes

Your body might finish a scene and feel like you havn’t done enough

However

Great playwrights

Receive a salary

And are able to take months

Or even years

To refine their scripts

They can take a full week to decide between a full stop or comma in order to make that one sentence come alive

But screen writers?

There are very, very few screenwriters

Who can afford to take all the time in the world

Therefore

When we audition on screen

The vast majority of the time

(Particularly within Australia)

We are using material which is an early draft

So usually

It’s a bit rough around the edges

Which makes it confusing right?

If you have studied at drama school for three years

Under staff who have preached

“the writer is god!”

Then to not obey the screen writer 100%

Might feel like you’re doing something wrong

Or being a bad actor

But

And let’s make this clear

Great writing will flow when you simply focus on logic

Terrible writing will flow when you simply focus on logic

Sure, it might mean you need skip a word or two

Or blast through some text when the writer had actually written PAUSE

But that writer was most likely sweating the night before

Stressing over how to get the bloody scene finished for the producers on time

To be clear

Making sense of the script

Is more important than perfectly obeying it

Making sense of the script is the priority

And that will be achieved by focussing on logic

Not by focusing on showing emotions.

So

Do the prep

Then focus on logic

And let emotion take care of itself

Hope this helps

X

Acting Without Hope

As the expression goes

Throw a man in the middle of the ocean

Leave him there without saying a word…

He will die within minutes.

However

Throw a man in the middle of the ocean

And tell him you’ll be back in 24 hours …

He’ll be there alive when you return.

Why?

What’s the differentiating factor?

Time

Time gives hope

Time gives our scared little minds something to cling onto for security

Your internal dialogue can switch from

“Things are bloody hopeless”

To

“It doesn’t matter if things are difficult right now

In X amount of time I know I will be okay”

And the second the brain believes it will be okay

Easier breaths ensue

Now

Curious

What about actors?

At no point in an actor’s career are they told

“By X amount of time this particular result will happen”

There is no timeline from apprentice to worker

To manager, partner or owner

There is no clear path to better pay or security

It’s all fairy dust

Made up as it goes along

You can be standing opposite Oscar winners

Getting paid $13,000 per week in April

To begging your agent to try get a student film to pay you $300 in May

To then trying to get an agent in June after being dropped

My father is an engineer

He is in his seventies

To the best of my knowledge

He has had approximately three job interviews in his entire career

I’m not sure he’s ever been rejected for a job as an adult

As for me?

I’m 37 years old this month

Living in Sydney Australia

Raising a daughter

And I have been rejected for work three times in the last two weeks

And that’s just normal for our biz

So

How the hell do we survive?

How do we keep going when there are no timeline security points in our career to hang onto?

No “by this stage you’ll be fine”

Okay

Two parts to this

Part One: Rejection

Rejection & acting go hand in hand

The two are inseparable

And

Due to the nature of a supply & demand industry

She simply isn’t going anywhere

So better to work with her rather than avoid her

Rejection is less of a problem to solve

And more of a factor to manage

So

Let’s build a process for rejection

Three steps to handling rejection

Firstly

Grieve

Having a career as an actor means dancing with grief constantly

The loss of a moment, a line being forgotten, scene being cut, day on set being removed, character being cut from the script

Your work being cut from that film

A role being given then taken away

An audition you’ve sunk weeks into not even going past the first bloody round

Going through a several month long process of auditions, call backs & chemistry reads

To finally receiving an email saying

“Sorry, we went with someone else, thanks for your work!”

For hundreds of thousands of years

Humans around the world have established their rituals for grief

Why?

Because as Homo sapiens

Our bodies need processes to lose things and for that to be okay

To say goodbye to that which is now gone

To honour the change

From thinking we had something

To the desperate pains and anguish that come when realising we no longer do

And what’s the underlying principle that ties all those various rituals together?

Giving our bodies permission to be where we actually are

Let ourselves feel the emotions swirling, bubbling and bursting through

Man I use to fight this so hard

As a 25 year old artist

4 years out in the industry

I did not want to experience loss

I was done

It simply hurt too much

And I kept asking “when will this stop hurting”

To the point where I just didn’t want to rock up anymore

But

A beautiful singer I really admired

Once commented about other pop singers

“Everybody is singing love songs like

“I don’t need you”

“I don’t need nobody”

To me

That’s no love song

To me a love song is admitting that I love you

I adore you

And I will lie down in the middle of the road and let you run me over”

Gulp

There is no art without true expression

And true expressions cost something

It costs a piece of ourselves

And to me

There is an element to this industry which revolves around finding oneself to be okay with being vulnerable

Without knowing if its safe to do so

Not knowing if you’ll get a “Yes we love you come work with us!”

Or a

“Sorry not this time kid”

Now

There absolutely comes a time where it’s too much

I find the level of pain associated with the rejection

Is often highly influenced by the context of where I find myself to be at that point in my life

I got rejected from a year long series when my partner was 6 months pregnant

Man I grieved that one

Hard

I didn’t even bother

I just walked straight in the door

Hopped into bed and heaved it out for an hour

Do I want to admit that I was a middle aged man crying in my bed?

No

But

A day or two later I was back on the horse

Because by that point I respected my bodies process for loss

Unlike my 25 year old self biting the steering wheel in my car after fumbling an opportunity to work with Russell Crowe

Anyway you get the point

First step in the process for handling rejection

Grieve

Give yourself

Or more accurately

Give your body permission to be where it actually is

And if that means shedding tears over losing something that was important to you

Than I wish you well as you step into your time of healthy sorrow

Second step

Connect

No homo sapien thrives in solitary confinement

Where I grew up in Southern Africa

There was an expression

I am, because you are

Meaning no one lives in isolation

Who I am as a human is because of who you are as a human

And I can only be me

When I’m in relationship to those around me

So

Connect with your people

Connect with those that remind your body it is totally safe to be where you are

My daughter doesn’t care if got rejected

My best friends don’t see my value entwined with getting the role or not

My partner will still want to sit on the couch with me and steal my bacon and eggs in the morning my agent calls to say “sorry mike”

These things remind me my body is safe

That even though I might feel like my tribe doesn’t want me

It actually does

So

Step two

Go first

Reach out

Open your arms

To those who will hold you when you’re a snivelling mess

Who won’t try to fix you when you’re feeling sad

But simply allow you to be there

Step three

Decide

Once the mess has been released

Once the hugs have been had

You get to choose

You get to chose the lesson

You get to choose what the rejection means

Does it mean the end of your career?

Is it a nudge from the universe telling your body to take a break from acting for a few weeks or months?

Does it mean absolutely nothing?

Is it a nudge in the direction of skill development?

Is it the slap in the face you needed?

Is it spilt milk in your master plan to take over the world?

Is it a wobble in which you can see a few things you’re incredibly grateful for?

Human beings are incredible meaning makers

So just a little reminder to choose your story

You get to decide the meaning

Not your agent

Not the industry

Not the wingers down at the pub

You

You get to decide

So

A wee little process for rejection

One - grieve - give your body permission to feel what it’s feeling

Two - Connection - remind your body it’s part of the tribe

Three - Decide - choose what the experience means for you

Now

Part Two

How to remain hopeful when it’s hopeless

There is no timeline

There are no certain milestones in an acting career that you can rely on

There is no “after 10 years in the industry you’ll be okay”

No results are guaranteed

Therefore

One could argue

There is no hope in being an actor

Ooooo

Hang on

“Being an actor”

What do you need in order to call yourself an actor?

I’m serious

I think it’s a bloody great question to ask yourself

Are there certain things you’re waiting for in order to step into your skin as an artist

“When I get that certain size role, then everything will be okay”

“When I get that lead in a film, then I’ll feel like an actor”

“when I’m earning consistent money as an actor in the Australian industry then I’ll be comfortable saying I’m an actor”?

Better to notice those stories then pretend like you don’t have them

At least then

You can say goodbye to them

(Once again grief raising it’s head)

Being where you actually are as an actor sometimes means giving up hoping for things outside of ones control

Now

What’s left when there is no hope of results?

There is joy in the effort

Absolutely

Are you enjoying the process of being an actor when there are no results coming your way?

Results can make it easier to enjoy being an actor at times

It was easy to enjoy being an actor when my family flew out to New Zealand to stay in my four story house whilst I was filming a BBC series

But without a doubt

the most I have ever enjoyed acting

Was in 2016

I had a mattress on a wooden floor

No furniture

When it rained in winter the room would flood

And I would have to once again dry the mattress off during the day with a $14 heater from K-mart

Whilst my neighbours must have kept thinking I was wetting the bed

But

I had my classes to go to

My coach to work with

Three colleagues I loved playing with dearly who I would tape with each week regardless if we had an audition or not

But most of all

I trusted in the process which was giving me joy

Trust

Ew

Sounds like the f word

Faith

Yes

Acting is a faith based industry

Let’s make no apology about that

And no - Religion does not have a monopoly on faith

It’s faith based

Meaning we trust things will happen even though there is no proof that it will

An incredibly vulnerable thing to do

Placing ourselves in jeopardy

An extraordinary actor told me that

He told me that when he was doing an indie theatre show before anyone knew his name

Six years later he was showered with awards for his work in a show opposite Blanchett

And guess what

He still has no guarantee that he’ll be okay in 6 years from now

But the point is

He went first

He didn’t have any results telling him everything was going to be okay

But he still focussed everything he could onto what he could control

Made sure too keep his focus on finding joy in the effort

Then surrendered up the rest over trust

Okay

I don’t want some rainbow ending to this

To keep going when there is no proof of results coming your way

You are absolutely putting yourself in a position where you may get incredibly hurt

Pain is coming your way

But find me an actor that doesn’t get rejected

Find me an actor who isn’t vulnerable

Find me an actor who doesn’t experience great sorrow in this business

And I’ll show you an actor who is not in the arena

So

Continuing as an actor

Means stepping into a vulnerable arena

With no proof that any results will come

And yet still

Somehow

Trust yourself

Hope this helps

X

Acting as a Father

Mackenzie was born in June 2023

Right on the winter solstice

Bringing light into the darkest day of the year

She was born in a very unromantic way

A breached birth which required some intervention

Some cutting

Some pulling

And the little bean was placed on her mother’s chest

My first thought when she was dangled upside down in front of me

Honestly?

“Where’s it’s penis?”

We made the decision to leave the sex a surprise

One of the last true surprises in this modern world

But the doctor had made way too many male-orientated comments for me to think otherwise

Including

“It’s going to be tall - like LeBron James!”

So we had spent every day of the pregnancy believing it was going to be a boy

A big boy at that

Maybe he was just trying to throw us off the trail

Because in reality

It was a little girl that was gently passed into her mothers arms

She just looked up with a calm and knowing gaze

And not a noise was heard

I can remember watching those two connect

Mother & daughter

And feeling like I was imposing on something sacred.

As with the practicalities of some modern day breached births

Momma bear had to get stitched up

Which meant I was left to handle Mackenzie for about twenty minutes

Alone

And to my absolute horror

I realised I was now solely responsible for the most helpless little thing on earth

In a dark and quiet corner of an empty hospital ward

I got to really meet my daughter for the first time

I stuck my face over the crib and awkwardly gazed down at her

“Hello”

I whispered

She stared back at me with a frown

Almost as if to say

“You don’t know what you’re doing, do you?”

“Haven’t got a clue”

I said out loud with smile

I was now a father

Or to be more specific

A 35 year old actor who was now a father

To be even more specific

A 35 year old, not-working-consistently actor, who was now a father

I can feel myself gulp as I think about that sentence.

You can see where this is going.

Two months later

27th of August 2023 to be exact

(And believe me, there are many experiences in those first 8 weeks that I’ll save for another time

Including a terrifying race in an ambulance to the hospital in the middle of the night)

I was driving down the road

Exhausted

Dark

Feeling stuck

Feeling hopeless

And was gripping the steering wheel with clenched knuckles

When I noticed the thought pop up

“I never got to achieve my dreams because I had a kid”

I shuddered when I realised the gravity of that thought

I pulled the car over immediately

I took a breath

I realised how terrifying that thought was if left to soak into my being unchecked

Yes

A thought is just a thought

But a thought repeated every day for months on end

That absolutely manifests externally over the long term

Into beliefs & behaviours

I thought about what life might be like in 2 years time, 5 years time, 10 years time

If I let myself believe that sentence to be true

I thought about who I might become, how I might behave

If I was to believe that thought was fact rather than just my brain feeling tired and scared

I saw a desperate, unkind & resentful middle aged man emerging

And then a sad and alone old man

That image rocked me

NOPE

“We won’t be doing that”

I whispered gently whilst staring at the drizzle pattering down on my windscreen

I pulled out my phone

And made a repeating daily reminder

“I got to achieve my dreams because I had kids”

Yep…

A thought like that

Who might I become if I was to believe that thought?

Yeah that sounds way more sustainable.

Possible or delusional?

Mmm

Not too sure

But damn sure a worthwhile experiment to give a red hot crack!

It’s been almost two years

Kenzie has grown from a helpless little burrito

To a scrambling small baboon

Leaving her tiny buttery finger prints all over our windows

Which I consciously don’t clean up in order to remind myself how lucky I am to be going through this chapter

I have not touched the subject of parenting as an artist yet

Partly because it feel so massive to even begin

Partly because I still feel I’m so bloody new to it

But also partly because I feel it’s an area where I honestly haven’t done that much reflection on it

I’ve simply been doing more than thinking

Which says a lot

It gives me a little nudge about how much life their is to be lived

How much work their is to be given

If I simply flip my ratio of doing vs thinking about doing

(Or not doing).

Regardless

Kenzie began daycare this January at the age of 18 months

It’s only since then that I feel like I have come out of a bit of a storm

And with a flood of questions being parent/actor orientated

It’s something that I do believe is worth sharing

Why?

Because I feel it is an arena where there is a very strong story which tends to dominate in the western world

“You have to give up acting, art, or your creative endeavours in order to be a parent”

Alright

First things first

No

You don’t

I have worked way more in the last two years than in the two years before becoming a father

In fact

Since becoming a father

I work more

Collaborate with way more artists

Sleep more (an article in itself)

Exercise more

Earn more

Read more

Spend more time in nature

Am way more efficient at getting things done

Need less time to prepare for filming

The list goes on

To put it simply

Having kids, for me, has meant more living

And more living has resulted in more giving

And more giving has resulted in more creativity

Why?

Parenting gives structure

And structure provides freedom

I have anchors in my day now

I know I’m doing daycare drop off tomorrow at 8:30ish

Then I know I’m working until 17:30

I will have from approx. 09:00-17:30 to snorkel, read, guide other artists & then prepare a scene for filming in two days time.

For me, time becomes squeezed as a parent

And like a ripe piece of fruit getting compressed

The juice spurts out.

Regardless if I like it or not - It’s getting squeezed!

If there is something I feel very clear about (and have conducted multiple experiments on lol)

For me, time seems to move approximately 3 times faster than it did before having a child

And with those parameters in place

I simply do not have the energy to allow doubts or small things to get in the way of living anymore

That’s an interesting thought

Before Kenzie came into my life

I think I spent a fair bit of time feeling like a ripe piece of fruit going to waste on the kitchen counter

Letting indecision and worries keep me from giving my worth to the world

Of course, I still have the doubts, the worries, the indecision

But I only have a fraction of energy and time to give to them.

That nappy is still getting changed no matter how much I’m overthinking it

That prep for filming is still getting done no matter how little time I feel I have for it

Yes

I might only give the prep a fraction of the time that I use to

But that creates a structure which allows efficiency to really start driving

And my confidence in handling chaos on set has grown immensely

Last year

I was on filming on a pirate ship sailing around Sydney harbour (yeah you heard that right)

And the 1st AD came to tell me - due to being ahead of schedule - we were now bringing the next days scene forward

I had to learn a monologue in about 20 minutes whilst they set up the lighting

If you put me in that situation pre-parenting

Man

I can promise you I wouldn’t have treated myself very gently internally at all

But this is just my experience

What about other artists I know who’ve gone through the chaotic growth of becoming a poop-cleaning machine?

I know an actress who was so damn afraid of calling her agent to tell her that she was becoming a mother

Why?

Because she thought she might get dropped immediately

She genuinely believed she had less value to give her agent if she had the restrictions of being a parent

She was pleasantly shocked when her agent said

“Oh, thank god!”

Her agents reasoning?

(And I’m paraphrasing here)

“One

By far, the most important role one will ever play is being responsible for another humans life

Which will make your spine taller than ever before

Two

You will not have the time & energy to stress about things that aren’t worth stressing over

Three

Your body will go through things which will make you more resilient than you could have ever dreamed of

And four

Great things for you, means great things for your work”

That was a pretty bloody wonderful response from an agent I reckon

STOP

Okay

I literally just got a message whilst typing this

And I think his is a pretty great example of why people can argue to NOT have kids as an artist

Let’s take this detour

“Hey mike, hope you’re well xx just checking in about a potential wet weather swap - would you be free to film tomorrow instead of Friday?”

Now

Let’s notice what’s happening for me

I’m noticing some internal noise around this message

“I’m an actor

They are paying me to do my job

The scene requires me

I should just say yes and not stir up any trouble

I shouldn’t be difficult!

I might get fired or cut from the rest of the show if I’m difficult!

Then what will paying bills look like in 2 months time?”

Now

What is my actual situation?

Tomorrow morning

My partner and I will both wake at 05:30

She will go to the gym before going to work from 7:30-13:00

It will be her responsibility to pick up Kenzie around 16:30

I will exercise in the garage and do my mourning rituals whilst Kenzie is on the baby monitor next to me

Then I will give her morning cuddles at 07:00 (if she sleeps until then)

Giving her breakfast and then driving her to daycare

I will then start guiding other artists & performers by 09:00.

I have three artists/performers tomorrow, all in various cities across the country.

Point being…

There are commitments which, if I go film tomorrow, will need to be moved around

By multiple people

Therefore

My time is not just my time any more

My time impacts my daughter’s routine, my partner’s schedule, daycare drop offs, my parents time, my partner’s mum’s time…

My time now influences multiple other people

And damn sure I feel guilty about my work effecting everyone else

I have an urge to make myself small

To hide from conflict or negotiating

But with these changes happening tomorrow

Things could get extremely chaotic fast if I bury my head in the sand today

So

What do I do?

How do I respond?

Well

I guess I be honest about where I’m at so that we can honestly go from there

Rather than pretending everything is fine

My message back:

“Hello! Tomorrow morning I have to get my daughter to daycare, so earliest I can get picked up is 9:00”

Straight up

This is a text I never would have dreamt of sending before having kids

The art comes first!

The film comes first!

Everything else must be put aside!

Mmm

That sounds pretty black or white

I think it’s a hell of a lot more grey than that

I think… it depends

Post baby

I have been squeezed into a life style where I have to take each day as it comes

Which is what?

It’s a smashing of belief systems

Parenting places belief systems under the microscope

Which means less black and white living

And a heck of a lot more grey

A heck of a lot more listening to the question:

“What works for me, for now?”

What works for me this week

Might not work for me next week

Parenting encourages evolution

Why?

Because a human who is reliant on you is evolving

And that means change

Change, change, change

As a young artist

I had very clear and hopeful ideas about a perfect career

“It will look like this…”

He says in a starry-eyed whisper

But what I’m noticing

Is that its a lot more like following tracks in the sand

Those tracks seem to go in a different direction every day

And the smartest option I believe I have at this point

Is to go with those tracks

Keep following them

Wherever they may lead

Which means

Giving up

Giving up on all of the little things I cannot control

What do I mean by giving up?

Surrendering

Surrendering to chaos

Surrounding to life

Cliche I know

Before finding out I was becoming a father

I use to have a very clear idea of where I wanted to go

What I wanted to do

Or who I wanted to be

Now?

I have absolutely no idea where I’m going

But I feel kind of clear about how I’m going to get there

By focusing on the tracks in the sand right in front of me

Following where they are leading

A message comes through

It’s a reply

“Ok copy that! Leave it with me”

I sit still for two minutes

I sip my coffee

Slowly

Another message through

“Scratch that! Filming staying the same for Friday”

Curious

There are lots of stories about what parenting should look like

About what the good or right ways to do it

But if there is anything I do want to make clear

Is that everyone is just making it up as they go along

Parents, artists, producers, production co-ordinators

Everyone is waking up each day

And trying to figure it out

And that’s okay

Hope this helps

X

Make Me Good, Fast

“Hey mike. What if I only had 3 months to get good at screen acting? What would your advice be?” - David

LOL

Alright

Challenge accepted

You have three months

13 Weeks

90 days

And you wanna get good?

Okay

Let’s define “good”

How about:

Having moments of human connection in front of the lens becomes your new normal

I reckon that would be pretty “good” for screen acting

Fair?

Let’s talk technique first

Then we can discuss how to build it into a process which allows you to fly!

Technical proficiency

If we go down the black or white path

We can find ourselves heading in two opposite directions

One is obsessively trying to make things as real as possible

The other

Trying to make it as technically repeatable as possible

“Real” vs “Pretend”

“Method” vs “Just acting”

However

Why don’t we steal the pros of both?

So we can stretch ourselves in either direction regardless of who we are working with

Or how the director might be steering things on the day

That would make us pretty anti fragile right?

Let’s break this into two parts

So we can start making smarter practice

Order and chaos

Structure and freedom

You get the point

One part to make sure you’re providing work that serves the story and tribe

(Without this your work might just be self serving - Interesting but useless)

And the other part which makes sure you’re providing something human, alive

(Without this your work might come across mundane - useful but boring)

First

Order / Structure

Drumroll

Script analysis

No way around it

We gotta get good at this

We have to make the script make sense

Scroll through three acting books

Find the same script analysis questions that come up over and over again

And choose the 3-5 that you think offer the biggest bang for buck

Such as

What is the point of the scene? Why is it included in the film or show?

What is happening in the moment before the scene starts for your character?

Environment - how does the time & place affect the scene or your character?

Relationships - what is your secretly ruthless opinion of the other characters? What do you wish the other characters would say or how do you believe they should treat you?

Expectations - How does your character think the this scene should go?

Need - What is the hole in your character’s heart that no matter how hard they try to fill, it will never be filled? (If you’re stuck on this one just use yours in order to amalgamate the character and yourself)

Bla bla bla

Etc, etc

Find 3-5 questions that really work for you

Remember

Amateurs will try do lots

Pros do less, that’s why they do it better

In regards to skill development…

Smarter for you to get really great at just a few things rather than flailing around trying to do lots of things :)

Second

Chaos / Freedom

Time to make it human

Time to make it yours

What do we need in order for this work to become human?

We need vulnerability and presence

Both byproducts of processes

Vulnerability is being honest when it’s difficult to do so

And for presense?

Breathing

So our two areas of focus become honesty and breathing

Alright

Let’s make it all doable now

3 Months

90 days

13 weeks

1 weekly routine

To help you get better

To help your new normal be that of having moments of human connection in front of the lens

Firstly

You need help

No human being exists outside of relationship to others

And certainly no actor can survive or thrive without other artists

So it becomes essential you find energising readers, coaches and environments

People and places that make it easier to sustainably show up to practice each week

And please

Be so bloody careful with who you ask for guidance

Are they getting results you seek?

Are they giving advice which makes your body feel at home?

Are you leaving those taping sessions feeling hopeful & energised?

Or is it feeling pushed, forceful, “shouldie”, resultie?

To be clear

Find the people & environments that make your body feel alive, awake, energised etc

Next

Let’s be realistic

If you’re wanting to make change

But you don’t practice at all

I’m not sure it’s reasonable to ask you to show up to 2-3 practice sessions per week

So let’s do the least we think we can handle

One easy morning exercise each day

And one practice session per week

For the morning exercise each day

We need something short & sweet to cultivate vulnerability & presence

Se need an exercise that incorporates honesty & breath…

Two well established acting coaches

Eric Morris & Roy London

Both had a similar exercise

Let’s steal from them.

A 90 seconds personal inventory exercise in front of the lens

“I feel X, that makes me feel Y”

Repeated for 90 seconds

Yep - just that.

Just something to remind your body each day that vulnerability and presence are normal

If the two most powerful tools you possess as an actor become normal

Or dare I say “easy”

Golly

Look out

Also - Doesn’t matter if you skip a day

Remembering you forgot the work and doing it the next day without beating yourself up is a way more important muscle to cultivate over doing it right every single day like a robot

Now

What about for the one practice session each week?

Combine chaos & order with a coach or reader you enjoy hanging out with

30 minutes to Prep: script analysis, vulnerability & presence

30 minutes to Play: 3-5 takes

30 minutes to Debrief: What did you do well? & what small change can you make over the next week to be slightly better?

That’s it

3 months

13 weeks

90 days

ONE daily exercise

& ONE practice session per week with an energising reader or coach

Done

One last thing

Please

Take this all with a big, fat grain of salt.

What you specifically need

For whatever chapter you are currently in

Is utterly unique to you

So be careful with whatever story you’re telling yourself in regards to craft

I find many performers can slip into telling themselves the story that they need to push themselves & get better

When in fact

What their body is yearning for is to simply give up on chasing results

Or just having a break from for a few weeks and just start enjoying their lives again

Just be careful when grinding becomes romantic please

There ain’t nothing more sustainable & dangerous than an actor who is having fun

Hope this helps

x

Get Building

Hello

I have been in a bit of a hibernation

Shooting a series in Sydney

Prepping for a film in Nepal

Riding horses in the Blue Mountains

Chasing turtles in Freshwater

Being confronted with changing values as I age

Trying to balance family life with acting and travel

Attempting to understand home ownership in one of the most expensive cities in the world

And watching Kenzie Baby glide through the doors of daycare giving me a moment to read a book for the first time in two years

It’s certainly been a time of more doing than thinking.

So

Let me do a little stretch before jumping into this year

I have a few articles coming up

Some big questions from artists across the globe, including

How to manage $20k publicists

How to manage acting whilst becoming a parent - this is coming up a lot!

As well as how following a hunch and walking into a strange shop led to a feature film in the Himalayas

Cool

2025

Let’s ease in shall we

How to gently build your career your way

#1

Identify & nurture your secret sauce in order to help you contribute the most generous, meaningful and unique work you can to the tribe

A hint?

Your greatest weaknesses are your greatest strengths

#2

Get clear and be honest about that dream harbour on the other side of the world you would like to start guiding your ship toward

#3

The majority of actors allow their behaviour to be dictated by the industry

Don’t

Instead

Get clear about how you might need to behave in order to start making progress toward that dream harbour of yours

Then go first instead of waiting for permission to behave that way

The whole industry is waiting for those who go first

#4

At some point

Your value will be determined by how well you’re able to give generous work under pressure

So lean into pressure

Become anti fragile

Practice giving your best when it’s actually difficult & uncomfortable to do so

Rather than deluding yourself into thinking you’ll just smash it on the day

Remember

You will rise to the level of your practice

#5

You’ll spend the vast majority of this career waiting

So get really great at it

And what can you do in order to fill your time whilst you wait?

Live!

Get great at living

Take care of your health, wealth, passions, loved ones, environment, etc

Casting directors want human beings in front of the lens who are full of life

Not actors who are desperate to get a job because it saves them from their situation

#6

Skills

Develop skills

Confidence will comes from building skills under pressure

And everything in your career will become easier if you prioritise skill development

#7

Practice

Practice your craft in a way which actually results in progress

This includes who you are choosing to learn from!

Please - be careful with who’s advice you choose to listen to

If you romanticise suffering for your art

Your art might suffer

#8

With tapes, auditions, role preparation and even filming itself

Get great at reverse engineering

How do you want to feel placing your head on the pillow after that tape, audition, or day on set?

Then work backwards to design the steps it will take to get there (whilst doing it your way)

#9

Your agent, colleagues, your mentors, your friends

Hang out with people your body likes hanging out with

Human beings cannot do it alone

Nor can actors

So find healthy ways to do this career with people you like

#10

Find joy in the effort

An addictive process means fun and fulfilment

Fun and fulfilment means sustainability

And of course

A fun, fulfilling & sustainable process + Time = Results

Then you just get to keep doing it more :)

Hope this helps

X

Who Auditions Best?

Once upon a time

A woman named Martha

Lead a team of researchers

In figuring out why some people interview better than others.

Why

When hundreds, or even thousands of candidates

All line up to interview for one specific job

Do some stand out over others?

And the results?

Well

Turns out

The people who interview best

Are the people who genuinely care for the role they are interviewing for

Simple enough

But a question that sprouted from the research which plagued Martha was

Why are so many people trying to get a job they don’t really care about?

This question caused Martha to change careers

From recruiting

To helping people move in the direction of work they actually loved

Meaningful careers where they are lead by their internal compass

Rather than spending exhausting years

Or even decades

Doing what they believe they should do.

When I first got curious about this concept

I pulled out my notebook

And looked at the previous five years of auditions

346.

Self tapes, auditions & call backs

In other words

346 interviews

(Side note - this was during my early twenties and included both my Australian & American representation)

However

Out of those 346 auditions

I noticed that I only really cared about 10

And by “really”

I mean I believed with every part of my being

That I needed to play that part

Something in my body just knew I had to do it

And my behaviour followed suit

They were interviews I gave everything to

The late nights, or early morning

The working with coaches, the warming up, the following of curiosity

It just flowed

There simply was no other way

I was doing what I needed to do

To get where I needed to get

So I could give what I was feeling called to give.

And out of those 10 auditions that I really cared about

Interestingly

I actually got 5

So

Roughly speaking

When I really cared about at audition

I had a pretty damn high strike rate

But the other 336 auditions that I didn’t really care about?

3%

To be clear

When I went for interviews I didn’t really care about

I had a 3% strike rate

Mmm

Go for work I really care about and truly want?

50% strike rate

Go for work I don’t really care about and don’t really want?

3% strike rate

Okay

So

The question becomes…

Why the heck am I going for so many things that I don’t truly want?

Ever since noticing this

I have continued to ask myself this question

And yet

Years later

I continue to show up

Show up to things that I don’t truly want

Show up to things that don’t make me feel alive

Show up to things that don’t excite me

Why?

Several reasons

Sometimes

I just feel the urge to play in the reality of our industry

Rather than sitting in my lounge feeling like a stale potato

There’s a yearning to just give something in the room again

Sounds fair enough

However

There are other times

Where maybe I feel like I need to remind casting directors I’m alive

(Sounds like fear is driving this one)

And sometimes

I’m afraid that my agent might forget about me

Or stop sending me things or not bother putting me up for roles

(Sounds like fear is driving this one too)

Now

In this day and age

Just to have an opportunity

That’s pretty bloody wonderful

But

I can’t ignore what makes me feel alive

And sometimes

Something gets sent through

And after months of feeling like a sloth

My body wakes up

No one needs to tell me what to do

Or when to do it

I just dive in

With presence, joy and care

And I know I can’t be alone in this

If I’m noticing that I’m turning up to the vast majority of auditions

For reasons other than being obsessed with the role

Or feeling that deep call to go give everything

Then it’s likely

Other actors are doing this too

Auditioning because of factors other than their love for the role itself

They feel they should because…

They are afraid that if they don’t, their agent will drop them

They are afraid that if they don’t, the casting director won’t want to see them again

They feel afraid that if they don’t, they won’t know how else to pay rent in a few weeks time

And maybe

They feel they need to because they want out of the life or situation they have

And getting that random role on that random show with change things

It will change their living situation, financial situation, maybe even their relationship situation

Classic “when I, then I”

“When I get that role

Then my life will be okay”

I say all this

But at the end of the day

If I’m being honest

I know

I’m going to keep doing this

I’m going to have moments where I chase the result rather than the process

I’m going to rock up because the pay check is just too tempting or needed during that chapter of my life

I’m going to want to get that job filming on an island for two weeks because it will provide a little window of escape from the day-to-day

And I think the words that I’m missing here are

“And that’s okay”

Yes I’m an actor

But more importantly

I’m a human being

And life as a human is not black or white

It’s grey

It’s complex, messy, confusing and glorious

But I really notice sometimes fear drives the yearning to have some kind of a perfect career

A clean, straight and golden trajectory

Some kind of perfect IMDB page with perfect job after perfect job

I have to be honest

I’m a little surprised

When I started typing this morning

I thought I was going to head in the direction of giving oneself permission to only audition for the jobs you truly feel called to

And of course - that’s still an option

And maybe still a wonderful chapter for you to explore if you feel ready for it

But I’ve surprisingly ended up somewhere pretty grey

Somewhere…

Where maybe there’s a bit more permission for the complexities of having an artistic career as a human.

Hope this helps

X

Hustle Like An Actor

“In order to make it in this industry

You have to hustle!”

A thught that has brought my body copious amounts of stress over the last 15 years

Especially during particular moments or chapters

Right after graduating from drama school

Or moments of stagnancy where I saw nothing on the horizon

Or when comparing myself to a friend or colleague who seemed to be leaving me behind in their dust

Yup

Those moments where fear took over the steering wheel

Moments where I believed it was time to push

Time to should

Time to “get after it!”

To me

The idea of “hustling”

Raises connotations of sleazy behaviour

Forcing my way into work or relationships

Behaving how I think I should

Rather than how I truly want to

Fake smiles with people my body doesn’t feel calm around

And I don’t think I’m alone here

“Hustling”

“Networking”

“Building hype on social media”

“Getting after it!”

Seems many actors can allow these cluster of imaginary rules to dictate periods of their career

But

Are they true?

I mean

Are they really true?

In order to have a career

Do I really, really have to hustle?

Curious

Lets break it down a bit

Do I need to have human relationships?

Mmm

Yes

Connections with other humans…

One of the most important factors of our survival as a species

I absolutely need to have relationships with other Homo sapiens in order to have a career

But

Do those relationships have to be dishonest?

No

Of course not

Do those relationships need to be de-energising?

Of course not

Do I need to make it look like I’m busier than I actually am?

So that people around me might think I have more worth than I sometimes feel like a do?

No

If I all I do is live simply

Go for a walk on the headland, spot some whales, read a book, call a friend, check my emails…

And am honest about that

That’s not going to get in the way of me getting work

What about image?

Or dare I say it

“Brand”

Do I need to build a big socil media account in order to make directors, producers or casting directors hire me?

Ugh

Again

No

The best jobs I have ever had happened when I had zero social media

Do I need to attend red carpets, opening nights?

If I really think about it…

No.

The more I explore the question

“Do I have to hustle in order to have a career?”

The more it becomes clear

No

I don’t.

Curious

Who do I become when I believe this thought?

Who am I

Or how do I behave

Or what do I notice happens in my body when I believe that I have to hustle?

If I’m being totally honest

I feel exhausted

I say yes to things I don’t want to
I ignore my impulses or gut reactions

And then regret choices made later down the track

I quiet myself

Numb myself

Turn up to things I don’t want to go to

Put my body in situations it doesn’t want to be in

Laugh at things I don’t find funny

Maintain a serious face when all I want to do is burst out laughing

Contact busy or “important” people just to measure my worth externally

Miss important moments to people ho are important to me just so I can be at some event which I might be seen at

Make it sound like I’m busier than I actually am when people ask what Im up to

“I had a beautiful day, woke up, jumped in the rock pool, saw some whales, read a book, did a couple hours of my job”

Suddenly turns into “just back in the process of auditioning atm”

Even though I haven’t had an audition in 6 weeks

On and on

Exhaustion after exhaustion

Makes sense right

I’m scared

Questions of

Am I enough for the tribe?

Is what I’m contributing to the group simply not enough?

So my body is going to do a bloody beautiful job of trying to protect itself.

What about another question…

What might my life look like

If I let go of that belief?

Who might I be

If I let go of believing that I need to “hustle”

Mmm

Present

Kind

Clear

Clear about the people that are important to me

Clear about the work that’s important to me

Clear about what’s actually worth doing today

I would be honest and open

Even when it’s difficult

Even when it might not make me sound like the busiest actor in the world

I would prioritise things I actually value

Like nature, loved ones, exercise and adventures

I’d go travelling without worrying about missing out on that dream role audition that might happen over those 6 days that I’m gone

I’d relax

I’d sit still

I’d sit deeply on that couch

Let it devour me

Without worrying about needing to jump out of it to check my phone

I’d put the phone in a draw

Just leave it for hours or even days

I’d walk at my pace

Along the beach

Without worrying about needing to take a photo or video so others can see what I’m doing

I’d focus on living things

Rather than objects

I’d stop ordering so much materialistic shit off the internet

I’d walk into that goddam audition

Feeling grateful that I get to play

Rather than trying to get something from the poor casting director

I’d ask the casting director how they are

And mean it

I’d buy someone a book as a gift

I’d look people in the eyes

I’d say than you

I’d ask my colleagues if they need anything

If I can do anything to help them or make their day better

My body would feel light

Unburdened

Free

Alive

I’d feel alive

That’s what I want

I want to let go of hustling

Instead

I want life.

“In order to make it in this industry

You have to hustle!”

Let’s replace this

Mmm

In order to act

I have to live… my way.

That’ll do pig

Hope this helps

X

Hungover On Set

Once upon a time

I had my first regular role on a TV show

And boy was I happy about it

I had friends in the cast

1950’s costumes to wear

And antique cars to drive.

And as the shows antagonist

I got to do a tonne of high conflict scenes with plenty of fight scenes

I was elated when I got the call saying I got the role.

We were shooting out in the country

So I would pack my bags

Head out to shoot for a couple days in the fresh air

Then return to Sydney

And when the show needed me for the next episode

Or block of filming

I would repeat the process.

After a couple of repetitions of this pattern

I began to notice something

After having regular breaks from filming

My first day back into it

Always seemed to feel like a first day

Nerves, fear, angst, pushing

It would take me a day or two to realise that everything was actually okay

And I could simply just focus on the work again

Relax back into things

But then I’d have another week or two or three off

And return with the same jitters

I’ve noticed this a lot over the last few years

The actors who are on set every day

Usually arrive at a place of feeling at home of set

A heck of a lot faster than those who come in an out for a few days at a time

Makes sense I guess

Time in the arena

The brain argues less with the physical experience

The body simply has more proof it can do the thing.

Any way

After three or four repetitions of this pattern

I became frustrated

I would start beating myself up

“Why can’t I just relax!”

Being a 22 year old

Fresh out of drama school

I only really knew one way to take care of my brain

By screaming at it

And if that didn’t work?

I would scream louder

Yep

Good ‘ol do the same thing and expect the same result :)

Then one night

Something changed

The cast and crew

Had finished a day of filming

And were all in the hotel restaurant having dinner

When we were informed about some tragic news

(Which, for privacy’s sake, I won’t go into)

But it became clear

That an early bed time was not going to happen.

The group slowly started to make it’s way to the big stone fireplace in the corner

Where some sat on chairs

Others sat on the floor

And we came together

We stayed up way passed our bed time

And the bar flowed

As did the stories, songs and connecting

It was like everyone knew

Being together as a group

Was more important than everyone getting their beauty sleep for work the next day

And as the night came to an end

People shared hugs

Long hugs

Longer than the “good night mate” kind of hugs

It was more like the

“Hey, we have each other, and that makes things okay” kind of hugs.

When I got back to my hotel room

I saw my scenes for the next day lying on my table

Maybe it was the tipsiness

Maybe it was a result of the long hugs

But something grabbed my curiosity

And I spent the next hour jumping & flopping around my room

Messing around with the script

Playing with it freely

Just being a dork and letting the silly choices out.

The next morning

When I woke

I was exhausted

Definitely hungover

But strangely

Felt very relaxed about working that day

And after about two takes of the first scene that morning

The director ran up to me with a big smile

“Mate!

What’s gotten into you today!?

Bloody amazing!

Keep playing like that!”

And I thought to myself

“Oh… SHIT”

Yep

I immediately began telling myself the story

“I’m only giving good work…

Because I’m hungover”

Now

Let’s call a space a spade

Substances on set

Obviously unprofessional

But on top of that

The reliance on external factors to provide generous work…

Yup

That makes a fragile artist

But

There has to be a silver lining here

Some lessons that are worth stealing

Lessons to help me move forward sustainably

To help me give generous work in a healthy way

Curious…

Drumroll

How to give hungover level work

Without actually being hungover

One

Connection

The evening before that day of filming

I connected with the tribe

There was clarity over what is actually important

(life, relationships, the group of humans trying to survive another day)

There was honesty during a difficult time

There was vulnerability

And there was trust

We had each others backs

Two

Free flowing self expression

Like a jammed up old tap in a house being turned back on for the first time in a while

I let out the brown water

I let the choices flow

No matter how stupid, ugly, gross, murky or silly my egoic mind might have judged them to be

I let them live out in the open

Let them breathe

Rather than keeping them inside

And trying to judge which would work in the safe confines of my mind

Three

Clarity

From exhaustion

Came a situation in which I only had so much energy to give

So

I had to be very clear about what was actually worth caring about

No worrying about what this person said

Or what that person did

Action

Lines, lens, connect with other actor

Cut

Rest

Take direction

Repeat.

To be clear

What did being hungover on set teach me?

What has it inspired in me moving forward?

Connect honestly with my tribe, especially when difficult to do so

Create the time and space to let my body let out all the impulses

No matter how much my brain wants to judge them as good, bad, right or wrong

Let them live

And finally

Get clear about what’s actually worth caring about

Hope this helps

X

No More Work For Actors

1882

A normal year for the hide hunters living in Miles City, Montana

The great bison herds moved through the area during their annual migration

And

Like every year during the previous four decades

Millions of bison were killed

The hunters were doing their job

Collecting the inexhaustible resources

Filling train carriages with hides to be sent to New York City.

One year later

In 1883

The hunters waited eagerly

Ready for another year of normal work

But that year

Something was different

The great herds never came

“Tough year”

They thought.

In 1884

The same thing happened

“Don’t worry - it can’t be over”

They thought.

For several years after the great herds were gone

The hide hunters in Miles City

Continued to wait

Waiting for work to resume like normal.

The work was finished before the workers even knew it had finished.

Time and time again

Industries go through great change

New technologies are invented

Old resources are replaced

We find more efficient or economical options

And workers have to adapt

For those that don’t adapt

Well

They end up sitting in bars

Talking about the good ol days

When work was plentiful

When jobs flowed like wine.

Change is in the air

Years ago

Actors began realising that residual checks weren’t coming through for jobs which were on the biggest streaming platforms in the world

The industry had changed without actors even realising

The great move from cable to streaming

Resulted in seismic systematic shifts which happened right under their noses

And now

We find ourselves in another great time of change

The streaming platforms are scrambling to make a profit

And filming lots across Los Angeles are strangely empty and silent

People are leaving Hollywood

The once great mecca for our industry

Moving to other cities like Austin or London

And many in our industry are experiencing a huge amount of fear

I have friends who are extraordinary at what they do

Once high up at the largest studios in our business

Who find themselves without work

Sitting in job opportunities being so over qualified that even the interviewer feels embarrassed

Man it feels exhausting

Where are the buffalo?

Where do I need to go to find the buffalo?

Do I need to pack my bags (and family)

And head out over the prairie?

Mmm

Lets slow down here

To chase the externals

That just seems unsustainable to me

In 2011

I was told that due to external factors or trends

(My eyes, hair, skin, sex, gender, nationality, sexual preferences etc)

I could have all the buffalo I ever dreamed of

And?

I didn’t find many buffalo during that time.

In 2018

I was told that due to external factors or trends

(My eyes, hair, skin, sex, gender, nationality, sexual preferences etc)

I would not find any buffalo in the years to come

And?

I found more buffalo over the following 18 months than ever before.

What that taught me was that chasing trends is an utter waste of time

To place my worth as an actor

Or sense of security

Into external factors

(In other words: Trying to control the un-controllables)

Simply Unsustainable

But

What if we are not just talking about trends

What if it’s actually a systematic shift that means things will be different forever?

There’s no longer a few tentpole films which everyone goes to see

It’s cheaper to re-run an episode of The Simpsons or Seinfeld than it is to make a new episode of television

Social media is making reality TV redundant

It’s way cheaper to cast a real tradie as a strawberry-milk-drinking-bloke in an advert than it is to pay a drama school graduate to dress up in the same kind of clothes

And no matter how incredible the next acting job is

It’s likely

(Not definite)

But very likely there will be a hundred times the amount of eye balls

Watching a teenager on YouTube dancing in their swim wear

Than there will be on that piece of art that makes it to the most prestigious film festival in the world

The age of attention is influencing our industry in ways we will only realise in years to come

Now

What do we as artists do?

Do we react?

Get out there and protest for change?

Do we respond?

Become producers and work on changing the systems ourselves - Making it the way we would like to?

Do we put blinders on?

Just shut up and go back to making our skills as good as they can be?

Curious

Here’s what I don’t know:

Where the industry will be in 5, 10 or 20 years time

Absolutely no one does

Sure, people have fears, hopes, or can use their imagination to speculate

But no-one really knows.

Now

Here’s what I absolutely believe to be true:

We have made it this far as a species because of two things

Connection and technology

Technology, as we know, is ever changing

More now than ever

The rate of growth is exponential

But what has never changed

Is connection

We still need each other to survive

And one crucial way that has allowed us to connect to each other

Is through the use of meaningful stories

That has certainly never changed

Sure, the ways those meaningful stories are shared has changed

From painting, singing, dancing

To poetry, puppetry and acting

Radio, films, and television

To memes, tiktoks and computer games

But the fact remains

We as actors

Are tools, vessels to be used

For meaningful stories

Which helps the tribe connect

And therefore

Survive

I repeat

We as actors are vessels to be used for meaningful stories which helps the tribe connect and therefore survive.

Where I do feel clear

Is that as long as I keep my focus on providing or contributing to meaningful stories

I’ll still always be able to use the skills I’ve been training up over the last 2 decades

However

Sometimes I notice myself

Behaving in a way

Where I’m wishing the industry was as it use to be

Rather than acknowledging where it actually is.

Like a hide hunter standing on the prairie

Year after year

Staring out over the horizon

Telling himself those millions of bison are just about to arrive,

I find myself romanticising the golden era of film

As if I’m still in the industry that operated like it once did back in the 70’s or 80’s

Or even as recently as 5 years ago.

Interestingly

There were a small handful of those hunters

Who realised that change had arrived

Who began to see the bison in a new light

And despite ridicule or nay-sayers

They adapted to the new conditions

Those few individuals

Whose hands had literally taken thousands of animals

Now became protectors of the great beast

They saw more value in the animal being alive, than dead

They predicted that if people could watch the animal in its natural habitat

Then they would flock from all over the world

To see it living, breathing and stampeding as it had done so for thousands of years.

And 140 years later

The population has grown from less than 100 hundred individual animals

To over 500 000.

What’s my point?

Any time an industry goes through extreme change

There are individuals who take risks

And find a way to make it better

Sure, the first few who smash through that wall often end up bloody

But

I do believe that the best work is ahead of us

We just might not be able to see exactly what that looks like…

Yet.

Curious

I think the industry is waiting for a key few individuals

Like you

To go first

Hope this helps

X

Embarrassment On Set

“Don’t care what others think”

Man this grinds my gears

Caring about what others think is not a bad thing

We are human beings

Homo sapiens

We are biologically designed to care what the tribe thinks

If we are actin the fool and get kicked out of the group

And we are left without the safety of those connections

We might be fending off the beast in the darkness alone

Alone is a very scary thing for a homo sapien

Our strong connections to each other played a crucial role in our survival and evolution as a species

So anything that impacts our connections needs to be respected

It makes so much sense that our brain would want to keep checking in

To keep reminding us to question if we are being accepted

And therefore safe

Within the group.

So

Totally normal

And okay

(And healthy!)

To care what others think

But

That doesn’t mean you have to give up

On doing what you honestly want to do

In the way you’d honestly like to do it

Permission to care about what others think

But also

Permission to still jump off that scary ledge

And give your work, your way

The ones who are most important to you

Will still be there to give you a loving, safe hug

After you’ve just fallen on your face

The colleagues who really know their shit

Will understand and appreciate what it takes to put yourself out there

How do I know this?

Gulp

A story I’ve never told

Which I actually still feel awkward about

(Sweating right now thinking about it)

There was a scene

In a big studio film I was working on

It involved my character having a heart attack

Man, I was terrified about that scene

Several Oscar winners and nominees were on set that day

There were about twenty other cast members all standing around looking at my character in the scene

And I knew

I wanted to give as good of a heart heart attack as I possibly could

I wanted to give the best work

The most generous work

I knew how to give at that point

But

I cared so, so much about what everyone else was thinking

What if I tried and they laughed?

Or whispered behind my back that I was an idiot?

I gulped

And took a step off the ledge

I asked props for some sand bags in my backpack to help me lose my balance more believably when I fell

I did push ups to try exhaust myself so my panicked and struggling breaths might come across more believably

Before the take I was trying to be there in the characters moment before

What was happening in the few minutes before that moment as my character was realising he was having heart troubles whilst trying to keep pace with the rest of his fellow soldiers?

And guess what!!?!?!

The scene sucked

In my opinion

It absolutely sucked

And

What’s worse?

I felt like such a fucking moron for trying

A try-hard

I told myself the story that I was a try hard who just sucked at acting

But

As we walked back for a final take

I felt a hand on my shoulder

It was an Oscar nominee

Someone I really respect in this business and who’s work on screen I just adore

I had my head down facing the dirt

And I heard whispered

In a kind and caring tone

“You’re a really great actor man”

I felt like crying

Now

I know - Lol - I know I was giving terrible work that day

(Just to back up my reading of the situation - The scene was cut from the film)

But I also know

That that particular actor saw that I was - at the very least - taking a risk

I was at least trying

Trying to give everything to the moment

And that was something worth rewarding

I took a leap

I felt I flopped

But a respected colleague came in to remind me how safe I was

Never

Never underestimate the power of a hand on the shoulder

Reminding the body that it’s safe

Safe to play

Safe to be a messy, grey human being

What’s my point?

Permission to care what others think

And

Permission to still go ahead and do you

Those that matter most to you will catch you

Hope this helps

X

Second Most Valuable Skill

Roger Federer

The goat of tennis

Played 1526 singles matches over his career

He won a staggering 80% of those matches

But

How many points did he win?

You might assume something around 80%?

Nope

Roger won 80% of his matches

By winning 54% of the points

That means

Almost every second point he ever played over his career

He lost

He experienced a loss

A mistake, error, fumble, fall, stuff up

Almost every minute he ever played.

There is a crucial skillset here

How one treats themselves when they mess up

Imagine

If at any moment

During those 46% of lost points

Roger beat himself up

Blasted himself for making a mistake

For not being good enough

“Shoulding” himself to be better

Yep

Not likely he would be able to move on from the mistake

And go on to win the other 54% of points.

To be clear

Yes

The skill of playing the point is obviously incredibly valuable

But if the goat of tennis can win 80% of his matches over his career

After losing almost half of the points

This tells us

The ability to let go of the mistake and move onto the next moment

Is absolutely crucial to sustaining a career in performance.

Some say tennis is a game of forgetting

Giving everything to the ball that’s in front of you

Then letting go

And moving onto the next ball

I’d like to think acting is similar to

Giving everything to the moment in front of you

Then letting go

And moving onto the next moment, scene, day, tape or job.

I was working with an incredible artist last night

I watched them realise

“Ya know, Mike

It actually doesn’t take that long

For my body to re-orientate back to a place of being in the moment

I just gotta let it do it's thing”

Music to my ears

Let the body lead

Let it get back to place of doing what it knows

Let it get back to play

Playing each ball

Each moment

One at a time

Then move on

Hope this helps

X

How to Increase Authenticity

“Just be yourself”

Another piece of advice

Which emphasises the result

Not the process

Equivalent to saying

“Just be amazing!”

Yep

Thanks, Judy

Let’s rather focus on a process

And allow the result of authenticity to come to us.

Drum roll

How to technically be yourself as an actor:

Two focuses here

One

Presence

But

Presence is a byproduct

Of what?

Breathing

Focusing on your breath encourages a state of presence

Breathing = Presence = Authenticity

But there’s a catch here

Anyone can focus on their breath when things are easy

It’s harder to focus on your breath when your body wants to protect itself

It’s easy to focus on your breath in yoga class

It’s a lot harder to focus on your breath when the director yells “ACTION” on that multi-million dollar set

Therefore

Practice focussing on your breath

When it’s uncomfortable to do so

Two

Vulnerability

But

Vulnerability is also a byproduct

Of what?

Honesty

Being honest encourages a state of vulnerability

Honesty = Vulnerability = Authenticity

But

Once again

There’s a catch

Anyone can focus on being honest when things are easy

It’s harder to focus on being honest when your body wants to protect itself

It’s easy to be honest with yourself in your journal

It’s a lot harder to be honest with someone who’s opinion you really care about

Therefore

Practice being honest

When it’s uncomfortable to do so.

Authenticity is a muscle

You have the ability to build it

And

Just like a professional athlete trialling a new move

The first few reps don’t count

So

Give yourself permission to fall on your face

Multiple times

Before counting yourself out

Give your body a chance to start learning what it’s like to breathe

When it’s uncomfortable to do so

Give your body a chance to start learning what it’s like to be honest

When it’s uncomfortable to do so

Find comfort in that chaos

And watch authenticity come to you

Hope this helps

X

When Family Disapproves

My daughter now has the ability to sit on a chair without falling off of it

Only for a short amount of time however

Lucky we found a great ice cream shop

One of those places tucked away in a side street

With crates outside

And the latest R&B hits playing over speakers

The kind of place that makes me feel like I’m back in LA

Only now

I’m finding a place like this because I’m following my daughters curiosity

Rather than my own

I’m just grateful her curiosity is leading us to a snack we can both enjoy

The award winning “vanilla malt” kept her focussed for longer than I have ever seen

Ten minutes is a long time in her world

Small things feel big

But she feels them entirely

Then moves on like that big head bump didn’t just happen

Which makes me question what would happen if I just let myself feel things the way she does

How much less resentment would I carry in my life?

Maybe if I just screamed and fell in a heap on the floor

I would be more generous with my love and kindness in the minutes after releasing my pains

Curious

In the moments of silence between each bite of ice cream

I find my mind drifting off to a question I’ve been mulling over for a while

One that involves family

Relationships

Boundaries

“I have no idea how to answer it”

I tell myself

But I need to say something

I need to say something

Hi Michael. I'd love it if you could give me some advice. I've started getting auditions and it's an exciting time, but I'm also living with my parents again temporarily for financial reasons. My family are negative and often tell me in a number of ways that they can't see acting working out for me and that my efforts are a waste of time. I tried to film an audition this morning and didn't do it because I was so upset with my dad’s comments, I lost my confidence and decided to book a studio space for tomorrow morning before the tape is due. I find I waste a lot of energy and lose a lot of sleep trying to prove myself, and I carry shame and a bit of resentment. I'm a highly sensitive person and can easily feel crushed rather than putting myself in a bubble and blocking people out. Even when I don't live with them, I still care about what they think. I know they care about me. I know they come from a place of love and worry, but being in a state of fear is not good for creativity. Have you had a similar experience and how did you overcome it? I'm trying to lose the mindset you mentioned of "when I, then I", and instead have faith that my efforts aren't wasted. Thanks Michael. Gerri (Name changed for privacy).

Gerri

This made my heart swell

A bloody vulnerable question

And one that I know so many artists out there relate to

I find myself - surprisingly - pumping the air

You’ve started getting auditions

That is a bloody exciting news

Opportunities to give your generous work to the world.

Another celebration:

You’ve adjusted your living situation for financial reasons

Sounds like you are taking responsibly for your finances, Gerri

Which, as an artist, is crucial

I can’t tell you how many actors I know of

Who threw in the towel

Because money was something that was just too uncomfortable for them to take an honest look at

You can be the most skilled craftsmen in your field

But without a solid foundation of health, wealth and relationships

Those skills won’t be able to be sustainably given

So go you for taking responsibility for your wealth

There were plenty of times in my twenties

Where I ended up at my parents place for a couple weeks (or even months)

To help me get through a financial low patch.

Another celebration of your work:

(Then I’ll stop fist pumping the air)

Booking a studio on the morning of your dad’s comment

For you to go through a moment of dissonance like that

Notice that it was taking you off track

And then make a new choice

In order to continue giving your work your way…

Talk about adaptability, Gerri

Performers who are able to adapt on the fly like that

Adjust to what is being thrown at them

Bring things back on track

That is some glorious anti-fragility right there!

Please

Make some time this week to go buy yourself an ice cream

(Or an equivalent snack)

Seriously

Let your body marinate in that sense of celebration

Let it know it did some beautiful work

Work that is worth repeating in the future.

Okay

Gerri

There are many sentences in your question that I feel a sense of urgency in responding to

A desire to ramble, stumble and vomit some important points

Like my daughter letting out her instinctual screams and tears in a moment of very real pain for her

For example

”Often tell me in a number of ways that they can't see acting working out for me”

Can’t see acting working out

Okay

Tell me

What results do others need to see in order to dispel any concern of acting not working out?

I’m remembering a moment

Many years ago

Where someone looked at me, took a breath, and with a tone of absolute kindness and love

Said

“hey, I hope you crack that big one”

At the time

My blood boiled

I wanted to grab their throat

I was furious

Embarrassed

Ashamed

The story I told myself

Was that after over a decade of working my arse off

They still viewed me like I was just some loser struggling to “make it”

Like I was someone who woke up every day

And stared at the bathroom mirror

Desperately trying to convince myself that

“today is the day I’m finally going to make it!”

What does that even mean?

But the more I have thought about that comment

The more it’s taught me

The general public don’t have a clue

And

Nor should they

I believe this is really important to acknowledge

Why

In every field

There are extremes of recognised success

A minuscule percentage of pilots fly an F-35 Jet

A minuscule percentage of doctors do brain surgery

A minuscule percentage of entrepreneurs start a billion dollar company

But if you’re an actor

Yes

It’s one of those career where your worth can be utterly at the mercy of the public’s ignorance

For most people walking down the road

With a stressful job

A mortgage

A teenager giving them grief at home

Trying to cope with a stressful relationship

And those 40 minutes a night where they get to tune out and just watch the latest block buster

Then the only way you could possibly be okay as an actor

Is if you reach the financial or fame level of say, Hemsworth or Margot

The general public forget

Or simply aren’t aware

That there are thousands of actors around the world

Who - every week - make a living giving their craft

Who they could walk passed without even recognising.

Now

I would never tell a pilot “sorry mate, doesn’t look like it’s going to work out” because they only fly a little Cessna

I would never tell a doctor “sorry mate, doesn’t look like it’s going to work out” because they are only a GP

I would never tell an entrepreneur “sorry mate, doesn’t look like it’s going to work out” because they had a little 5 figure business

But if you say “I’m an actor”

You are putting yourself on that chopping block of

“Mmm... I don’t recognise you from anything therefore things might not be working out for you”

Then again

To play on the Devil’s side here

It was quite late into my twenties when some people I loved dearly

Hit me with the sobering truth of

“You’re telling us you’re fine

and that things are going well

But you asked us for financial support last week”

Damn.

Clear.

They needed to see that I could financially take care of myself

That was an important metric in gauging if acting was “working out”

And by that metric

It absolute was not.

Fair. Enough.

(That was the second last time I ever asked them for financial help)

If I am saying I want to make a living from acting

And I am not actually making a living from acting

Then maybe there is something for me to think about

It raises the question

Do I only want to continue with this art form

If my bank reaches a certain amount each year?

Mmm

That feels like it might suck the joy right out of the effort

Lets flip the question

What do YOU need to see to feel like acting is “working out”?

What are your markers or metrics?

Get clear

I know people who have a 9-5

Have four kids

No time on weekends

And one night a week…

One night a fucking week

They get to go practice their craft in a classroom until midnight

Then catch the subway home when its minus below

And for them

That’s enough

That’s joyful

Meaningful

They don’t need to be getting paid on set

Or walking a red carpet

Or brushing shoulders with celebs

For me personally

At no point since finishing drama school

Have I wanted to act every day

That’s absolutely not me and does not fill my cup

And the moments where I have used other people’s metrics to define whether my career is enough

Such as

Needing to be earning a certain amount

Needing be seen as busy working every day as an actor

Needing to be working with particular level budgets

Needing to be getting snapped on red carpets

God

Utterly de-energising

Resulting in

Auditioning for things I don’t want to

Or listing to peoples advice I don’t actually like.

Gerri

Finish this sentence for me:

“For me, Acting is enough when I…“

Curious to hear what flows out.

Now

When you stated that

“You’re a highly sensitive person

I easily feel crushed”

Man I hugged myself like Ray Charles

Music to my ears

I remember working on a farm with my mate Charlie

We had about two hundred head of cattle and three dogs helping us

Knuckle, Dale and Elle

Knuckle and Dale were sprinting across the vast paddock

Darting back and forth

Often making far more work for themselves than required

Charlie would scowl at them

“KNUCKLE!

Cum b’hind

DALE…

WALK UP

WALK UP DALE YOU MUPPET!”

They would look just back at him with their tongues sticking out

Looking like they had won the lottery

Charlie would laugh and sigh

But there was a moment where the other dog

Elle

Made what I deemed to be a silly movement which made my job more difficult

“COME ON ELLE!”

I growled

Charlie whipped around

“Oh man,

You can’t speak to Elle like that

That’s not in her nature

She shuts down easy”

I looked back to Elle

She looked like she was about to crawl under my motorbike and die of embarrassment

Her body langue was similar to that of mine when I was 9 and my voice cracked whilst singing a solo in front of the whole school

She made herself as small as possible and whimpered away for the next few hours

Rendering her useless for the rest of the muster

The second Charlie told me about Elle

How sensitive she was

How much she can shut down at a simple comment that others of her kind wouldn’t bat and eye lid at…

Yep

I felt like I found my spirit animal

Gerri

You’re a sensitive soul

I love that

I see you

That comment knocked you

You felt it

All of it

And yet you made an adjustment and booked a bloody studio

The work still got done despite the hurt

I think this says an enormous amount about you

And what lies ahead

I know there are moments where your sensitivity feels like a burden

But I believe your sensitivity is one of your great strengths.

There are so many general bits of acting advice which I struggle to hear

“Don’t care what others think”

That goes against your biology

Ridiculous

If you’re a healthy human you will care about what others think

And that’s absolutely okay.

Another one that grinds my gears

“You gotta have thick skin to be an actor”

I disagree

I know plenty of incredible actors

Who are deeply sensitive people

They care deeply

They feel deeply

And pretending like you don’t care

Pretending like you don’t hurt when you do

Gerri

To me

What a waste

You putting yourself in a bubble and blocking people out…

That sounds like a reasonable thing todo

The body certainly doesn’t want to be hurt any more and go through those kinds of emotions

However

No one wins by you blocking other humans out

I need to remind myself of this sometimes

There is a sacrificial element to being an artist

As their is to having any human relationship

Loving comes with being hurt

Giving your gifts comes with pain

I’m seeing this more and more everyday as my little one develops into a human

She’s an extension of me

And so when I see her in pain

Man

I feel that

We were at the water park playing

Another kid came up

And just swung at her head

Clocking her left cheek

I’ve thought about this moment

Especially as I daydream whilst eating ice cream

“I won’t let you hurt my daughter

I won’t let you hurt me

I won’t let you hurt me”

Then WHACK

My daughter has launched a similar style swing toward me

I hold her hand

Gentle but firm

“I love you

But that hurt me

So I won’t let you hit me”

I wish I could speak that purely to others in my life.

There are no black or whites in my response, I’m afraid

It’s family

And those are some of the most complex relationships we have

But, if anything

Your question gives me certain insights about you

It tells me that you deeply feel things

I see this as a great strength, Gerri

It tells me you are already building a practice of noticing the hurt and making adjustments in the moment to still give your work, your way

I see this as a great strength, Gerri

And lastly

There is something in your question that tells me you are not interested in measuring your worth as an actor by the metrics of those around you

Which I see as a great strength, Gerri

If you find joy in the effort of working on your craft

If you find joy in the effort of auditing

And you are not needing to please others with particular metrics of success

Then I believe you will be more than okay.

Gerri

Your efforts have not been wasted

I repeat

Your efforts

Your sacrifices

Your time, energy and dedication

It has not been wasted

That, I absolutely can assure you of

Hope this helps

X