My Biggest Mistake as an Actor

My mother has a photo album of my childhood

Every so often

When I’m at my parents house stealing their food

I will pull it out and have a flick through the pages

There is one photo in particular

Which always draws my attention

It’s of me when I was just a few months old

Lying safely in my fathers arms as he rests on the bed beside me

But it’s not the photo itself which intrigues me

It’s the context in which the photograph was taken

I was born in an area of Southern Africa called uMgungundlovu

“Place of the elephant”

And during that time

There was a hell of a lot of extreme political violence going on between the Zulus and Xhosas

Plenty of rioting and mob violence.

“Necklacing”

An act of cruelty in which someone had a tyre squeezed over them

Then doused in petrol and set on fire to die an agonising death

Was commonly used to strike fear in the opposing side

Obviously

When these things are happening in the streets where one goes to buy groceries

It doesn’t exactly make people feel like they know what is going to happen if they go outside

What they might see

What they might feel

What they might experience

So when I see that photo of me lying in my bed as a baby

Being held by my father

Whilst my mother takes the photo

I can’t help but think of what they must have been feeling in that moment

About what the next day might bring

About what violence will be happening just a few kilometres down the road

This would be tough for anyone living in this time

And it would naturally produce tough people

With tough mindsets

People who would build homes with 6 foot high walls & barbed wire

Burglar guards on every window

Emergency alarm points spread throughout the house

And have German Shepards keeping an ear out for intruders

People who would make sure that they can take care of themselves

Regardless of what’s happening beyond those walls

People who would become great at being independent

No relying on others

No relying on governments

No relying on strangers

No relying on help

So of course

As a younger actor studying at drama school

This is what I did well

I didn’t need a hand

I could work in isolation

I could build, prep, rehearse, plan, dream, play

Alone in my college dorm room

I could experiment with 20 choices

Then rock up to school and present my “perfect offer”

And of course

This extended to when I graduated

Finding an agent

Building skills

Making career choices

Yup

All alone

I had plenty of influences, of course

From reading interviews

To obsessing over YouTube clips

And b-roll footage of actors working on set

But at the end of the day

I was in a room

Alone

Making decisions

Coming up with fool proof plans

It was on my shoulders

And

I LOVED IT

I thrived on this idea

I was tough!

Independent

Strong

I did not need a handout!

I did not need help!

But

Anytime I tried to take that independence out into the industry

Beyond the walls of my safe zone

I noticed something

I noticed I was pretty damn sensitive

To resistance

To play

To challenge

To conversation

To questioning

I might have presented a tough, independent exterior on the outside

But on the inside

I was brittle

Easy to crack

Deeply sensitive to anything going differently to how I planned

Many nights did I lie

Staring at the ceiling

Thinking obsessively about what I said to that other actor at the bar

Or how I answered that casting director’s questions

Or how I wasn’t able to handle that piece of direction

And when this happened

I would always want to escape to a cabin in the woods

Where I felt safe to do me

Without any challenge from the world

You see

At 25

I still hadn’t realised

There was another stage of growth

Waiting for me to step into

And it all came to a halt

After 113 shows of leading Henry V for Bell Shakespeare at the Sydney Opera House

I finally realised

Toughness

Independence

Was no longer serving me

It was the production manager

Driving me back from another MRI scan after both my shoulders had given out

Who eventually said

“Mike

Everyone is here to help you with open arms

But it’s you who has to accept it”.

Growing up where I did

There was a saying

Ubuntu

“I am, because we are”

In other words

People are only people

With other people

I’m going to say that again

People are only people with other people

It’s the idea that no human exists in isolation

And it made me realise

That no actor exists in isolation

Actors

Are only actors

With other actors

In an art form where we connect with others

In order to help share meaningful stories

It’s our colleagues, readers, casting directors, writers, agents, producers, mentors, coaches, directors, teachers

Who make us…

Us

What’s my point

My biggest mistake

Was thinking that I had to build my work and career in isolation

No actor exists in solitude behind their walls

There is simply a price to pay in being an actor

That price?

Vulnerability

So

Pour yourself into connecting vulnerably with others

Why?

Because

You’re only an actor

When you share yourself

Your work

And your career

With others

“I am, because we are”

Go give yourself to the tribe

Hope this helps

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