Advice From An Oscar Nom

I’m sitting in a bar

With a bunch of actors

One of the actors is an academy award nominee

So their opinion means me more to me than anyone else’s in the room

They’re telling a story

Something about a funny situation that happened to them in their home country

When all of sudden

Their accent switches

From UK to American

They are playing an American character

They have made the decision to stay in accent during the course of filming

And we are not even at the half way mark

So they are not suppose to be dropping their accent right now

They notice

They stop

They ask

“Did my accent just slip?”

Everyone nods their heads

Now

I went to drama school

Betty was my voice teacher

She was so old she saw Hitler in the flesh

She was rigorous

She told me when I fucked up

I know what fucking up your accent sounds like

And this actor

This academy award nominee

Just. Fucked. Up

This is going to be good

Let’s see what they do

How they react

I can’t wait

Hang their head in shame?

Scream at themselves in front of us all?

Go hide in embarrassment in the bathrooms?

I watch them realise their error

Then

With a big smile

They lightly say

“Oh, shit!”

Burst out with laughter

Then switch back to their accent

And continue sharing their story.

Laughter

You heard me

A light and joyful moment

No shame

No embarrassment

Just a little

“Oh, shit”

And they move on with their night

This fucking guy

This fucking actor

The nerve

Makes a mistake, laughs, and just moves on

He’s obviously not as dedicated as I thought he was

Otherwise he would be doing what I believe would be appropriate right now

That is…

To beat the living daylights out of themself

Just go guns blazing inside their head

Rip their laziness apart

Limb from limb

Because that’s what works, right?

To obliterate oneself into giving better work

To withhold standards!

I go home that evening

I toss

I turn

My blanket is not long enough and my cold feet stick out the bottom

“This freaking guy”

I keep muttering

Until I drift off

With my forehead still frowning.

The weeks go by

Filming continues

And eventually

I find myself at the wrap party

I’m at the back of the pub

With this same actor

This freaking guy

But

Like the princess and the pea

(I’m the princess in this story)

I can’t help myself

I ask him

“What the heck happened for you in that moment?

You just laughed and moved on…”

He looks at me

He knows what I’m really trying to say

“Mike

I was really good at beating myself for making mistakes

But I don’t have the time or energy to do that anymore

I’m too busy creating and giving

And that requires mistakes

Not perfection

So I had to let that guy go

I had to leave him behind many years ago

He still visits sometimes

But it’s less and less these days.”

I stare back at him

He gives a calm smile as if to say

“you look like you’re ready to let go of him too”

Everyone is moving off to the after party

I climb on my motorcycle

Sober

And drive home early

I walk along the beach at night

I don’t want to say goodbye to my friend

I don’t know what work will be like without him

But I know

I’m ready to start saying goodbye

I know

I’m ready

10 years from now

I’ll be lying in my bed

With my 2 year old daughter in the room next door

I will have spent no unnecessary time preparing for a call back that week

I will have spent no time acting on my anxieties about if I got the role or not

And ill be watching a show about a chef

There will be a flashback scene in which I see the chef being berated by his teacher

“You’re nothing

You’re a piece of shit

You think this work is acceptable?

This is pathetic”

And I’ll notice a little something in my body

A little part of me feels a thrill

A gorgeous jolt of power rushes through my veins

I feel the urge to stay up all night

Writing out a plan

To start pushing again

To start focussing on results again rather than process

To start comparing myself to other actors again

To get inside my brain and just start breaking the chairs which all that “forgiveness” and “kind thoughts” are sitting on

But this time

I’ll say something else instead

“Hello my old friend

I see you’ve come back for a visit

Man we had some times

Thank you for that chapter

But I have to go now”

I’ll smile

Roll over

Feel my warm feet snugged up in a long doona

And fall asleep

Hope this helps

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